The theme for the lunchtime request hour on the radio today was songs that represent 2009 for you. The three requested songs that I heard during my time in the car were Walking the Tightrope by Stevie Ray Vaughn, Under Pressure by Queen, and Mercy by Duffy. None of those songs spoke to me; they all seemed a bit negative. Sure, the economy of 2009 has made things tough for everyone, and my family is certainly no exception. But before I start scanning my iTunes for my song of the year, I wanted to reflect and recap what my year was about.

For the past couple years I have started January with my husband away on his annual music cruise. I actually really love this time. I ease through my days on my schedule, I write and read and eat healthy food and get some good rest. By the time he comes home, the tension and chaos of the holidays has melted away and I have had some good introspection time to ground me.

I also started 2009 with a vigorous study of the chakra system. I have been interested in exploring how Feng Shui can help with our health and through reading and yoga workshops I learned a good bit about the mind/body/environment connection. There is still more I want to incorporate in this area--sounds like a great goal for 2010 as well!

Attending church was a consistent spiritual practice for me in the first part of 2009, as my daughter received her First Communion in May. We have a church that we love that leaves me inspired each and every week, and often brings me to tears through the power of the amazing music performed at each mass. Looking back, I see that this really anchored my intentions and was a weekly reminder to stay focused on being the person I want to be every day. This too piddled out a bit as the year went on. I'm beginning to see a pattern here...let's see where I go from here.

I had the good fortune of having a dear friend in San Diego to visit in February, a long weekend I made by myself and thoroughly enjoyed. I caught up with some very special people in my life, and ended my time away with my first paragliding experience! How invigorating! And if you're ever in San Diego, make sure to take the time to visit the Self-Realization Fellowship Temple in Encinitas. It is so peaceful and beautiful...I could spend a weekend in their gardens. I ended February with a performance of devotional chanting by Krishna Das which was a moving and centering experience.

I entertained my design side by attending the Junior League Tour of Kitchens in March. This was a great opportunity for me to step in to some beautiful homes and fill my brain with ideas of what works (and what doesn't). It also reminded me that it's not square footage that makes a home; good energy can be found in small bungalows or large estates. Good flow, pleasing colors, a balance of elements, and simple organization can make any space a masterpiece.

Looking back through my calendar, I realized that once spring hit my focus switched pretty quickly and heavily to the children. A week in Orlando, end of school year activities, then right on in to summertime. Those summer months are always a challenging time for balance. There's a lot fun; swimming, play dates, later bedtimes. But yoga, personal time, reading...these all go by the wayside for a few months. Come fall, my bank is usually pretty empty. New teachers, new classmates, new rules, and general transitions means focus on self is still difficult once the kids are back to school.

This fall, however, I had a wonderful trip that demanded my attention. I was taking my dream trip to Italy. My youngest child started kindergarten and I was rewarding myself for eight years of being a stay-at-home Mom and getting all my kids off to elementary school in one piece. It was a trip of a lifetime (to date!) and the planning of it occupied most of my free time until I returned to my real life in the end of September.

The rest of the year I returned my focus to myself a bit and the direction I wanted to go now that I am an elementary school empty-nester. My website was built, my blogging began, and plans started underway for networking and Feng Shui presentations. I don't feel as mindful as I did in the beginning of 2009, but I am motivated and moving forward, and maybe that's just where I need to be right now. I am quickly approaching the first week of 2010 when I will turn my attention to what I want to accomplish in the next year and am excited to break it down into short-term goals and steps that will keep me consistently moving forward throughout the year. All the while, one of my main objectives will be to remain present and content in the current moment, embracing the joys of my everyday life and the gifts that are all around me (especially the ones that call me Mom!).

So this all started with what song I would use to capture 2009 for me. Now that I've gone on this journey of remembrance, I will listen to the lyrics more closely to see if I can identify my theme. All in all, it was a great year! A year of introspection, fun, and forward movement. I am very excited for 2010 and the birth of my consulting business, and working to find the balance between my passions and my duties. That is something I wish for everyone!

peace, love, and resolutions...

It is hard to resist the definitions of who we think we are supposed to be, based on what society tells us, our family tells us, or the media tells us. There are so many influences out there that lead us to think we should be something different than exactly the way we are. As hard as I resist it, I want to look as cute in those jeans, have a healthful meal on the table for my family each night, and have a smile and some make-up on my face when my husband comes home from his job.

Everyone wants to be happy. Different things make different people happy. Ghandi said that happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. When I meditate, practice yoga, write in my journal, read, and listen to music I feel really in control of what I am thinking. I am more present, more aware, more attuned. When I watch too much TV, spend too much time with people who gossip or are pessimistic, or when I burn the candle on both ends I feel like those messages from the world around me really cloud my ability to feel deeply happy. As I write this I realize how in control I truly am of my own wellbeing. I can make choices in my life that lead me the way I know I want to go, the way I know feels right and true for me. Easier said than done sometimes, but that knowledge is something I can come back to when I'm struggling.

I tend to be a blabbermouth...well, that is my perception of myself at times. I'm pretty open and when I get excited about a topic I tend to get louder. I actually kind of like these aspects of my personality. But one of the worst feelings is when I think back to a conversation and regret having said something. I rarely, rarely, say something to hurt someone else. I am keenly aware of the energy this puts out and the damage it does. For me, it more often would be a slip of the tongue, or just divulging too much of my own thoughts and wandering in to that land where I might offend someone else. I worry about doing this--I probably worry about it too much. In general though, I feel like I have positive things to say and I hope that people hear me expressing myself and not passing judgement on them. I guess that is the best that I can do.

And the best that I can do--if I feel at the end of each day that I did the best I could then, yes, I'm happy. I teach my kids this too. Some days are better than others but I feel like my intentions are always in the right place. So thinking about true happiness, I see that it all starts with my thoughts, and I find it interesting that this is the most challenging part for me. I have my own definition of who it is I want to be, and that has nothing to do with the Jones', or a political party, or generations of women who came before me and did things a certain way (or didn't!). I know what I have to do to feel like I'm on the right path--like I'm living a true representation of my spirit. How empowering is that?!

Thanks for reading my blog today...this, apparently, was just what I needed!

peace, love, and enlightenment...

Have you seen some of these news stories on "hoarders?" These people live amongst filth and garbage because they physically and mentally cannot let go of anything. Sometimes it's sentimental, sometimes it's fear, and I'm sure there are dozens of other reasons why people exhibit this behavior. If we're honest with ourselves, we can all probably admit to holding on to material things longer than necessary. We call it clutter, or a "collection," or just stuff, and it fills our attics, closets, bookshelves, and garages. What has happened, though, is things that once gave us comfort are now dragging us down.



Have you ever just attacked a closet and cleared it out? Bags hauled to goodwill, last season's clothes packed into storage, your favorite shirt from college thrown in the garbage? When you finished the job, like items grouped together, shoes all aligned, everything neat and orderly so you can see everything in it's place--how did you feel? Were you breathing deeper? Did you feel a sense of calm, a clearing of the mind? That newly gained energy makes us want to open the trunks of our cars and dig to the back of the pantry and keep the projects going!



All of our belongings hold the energy of our memories we associate with them. We should look around our homes and be uplifted by what we see. When a couch reminds you of the ex-boyfriend you bought it with, and that's not a good memory, away it should go. And if you can't stand your living room lamp or you're embarrassed by your dining room rug, get rid of them. You don't need to go out and replace them right away...just wait. Get that item that is drawing positive energy away from you out of your house and see what happens. Maybe you'll run across a great sale on lamps and you'll find one that casts a warm, cozy glow on your space. Maybe you'll find that your dining room is much more appealing with the bare floor under your feet. If you don't love it, let it go--and who knows, maybe it will be someone else's treasure.



This year as we were pulling out our Christmas decorations I was reminded of my husband's eclectic collections of baubles he used to adorn his house with when he was single. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, passed to him from various people, some created by him in silly moments of creativity. When we moved in together they stuck around for a little while. But one year I just couldn't bring myself to stick the tinsel toothpicks in my houseplants one more time, and we purged it all. We began our own collection of holiday decorations that represented us and the life we were building together. There wasn't room for his bachelor decor any more. This year we sorted through the dozens of homemade ornaments from the kids' preschool years. Some are so precious we proudly hang them on our tree. Others, well, we decided we don't need gaudy foam angels to remind us of how cute our kids were at three. Some were thrown away, some we set aside to pass to them when they're older and they can decide if that glittery star with their face in the middle makes their heart sing or not.



Simplify. Get rid of the old to make room for the new. Live with what you love. For each new thing you bring in to your home, let something else go. Reduce, reuse, recycle. All great lessons to live by. And all strong messages of Feng Shui! If you need some help getting started, give me a call! Sometimes we need a little nudge to get the process going. After all, there are many reasons why we do the things we do. However, I promise, once you get rid of your "stuff" and clear the space, you'll be so glad you did.



peace, love, and purging...

Take time to give thanks, make time to be giving.
I'm going to stop and think twice about the way that I'm living.
Did I say a kind word? Am I proud of my actions?
You know, a job well done give me satisfaction.

Can I earn your trust, your love and affection?
Just one step at a time in the right direction.
Going to aim for the sky, keep my feet on the ground.
Raise my voice to the heavens, make a joyful sound!

Can I sing for my supper, and play for my rent?
I know it sounds funny, but it's how my time's spent.
Greet every day with full purpose, with passion and pride.
I'm going to follow my heart and have nothing to hide.

A moment of insight--I know why I'm here.
You know, when the time just stops I see it all real clear.
I've got to set an example, make some mischief and fun.
Do unto others and play a fat bass run.

I got to work hard every day, and give it my best.
Grab hold of fear and negativity and lay them to rest.
I know my time here's important. Can I do the right thing?
Practice patience and forgiveness, feel the joy that they bring.

Can I lay down tonight without feeling regret?
I know the love that I give becomes the love that I get.
Well, do you hear what I'm saying? Making sense to you?
Well if you feel it in your heart then you'll want to sing too!

Na na na na na na na naaaaaaa...make a joyful sound!!

I don't want to sound preachy, make you feel all wrong.
Just want to write some kind of lyrics, sing a feel-good song.
It's kind of hard to explain, this feeling I get
From making music, making love, getting both feet wet.

Well every piece to the puzzle snapped tight to the groove,
I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and let my feet move.
You know, I feel a little better now for speaking my mind.
Send good vibes in circulation and see who they find....

One of my favorite songs, Joyful Sound by String Cheese Incident.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Operation Baby Years--completed

I took two of my kids to the park the other day. I didn't pack a diaper bag or push a stroller, I just grabbed a bag of goldfish, a bottle of water, and my book and off we went. The fenced in play zone was full of princesses, Star Wars characters, and cowboys. Sweet little Halloween costumes on toddlers and preschoolers, running, exploring, challenging themselves on rope ladders with the secure hovering hand of Mom close behind them in case they had taken on too much.



I plopped myself on the ground and savored the quiet time while my kids wandered around and took it all in. It has been a while since we've gone to the park. With 3 kids 3 years apart, the park was always very challenging for me. The oldest running to find other kids her age to make new friends, the middle always ready to find something new and dangerous to climb on, and the youngest either strapped to my chest or patiently entertaining herself in her car seat as I whirled her from one corner of the playground to the other. Once all 3 were mobile, forget it. I just couldn't keep up. Now I had one at a play date and an 8 year old and a 6 year old who were big enough to not get seriously hurt if they fell from the tallest part of the play set. I was finally one of those Moms who could savor some "me time" and not continually dart visually from left to right counting the heads of her children.



"I just pee'd in the woods. Is that funny?" I looked up from my reading to see a little cowboy glancing down at me inquisitively. I giggled and said, "Yes, that is kinda funny. Is that supposed to be a secret?" He just paused and walked away. Oh, little kids make me laugh! By the swings I caught a conversation between Moms about how different the park is now that their child is walking, interrupted by warnings of walking in front of the swings and the dangers of eating bark. I'll admit, I don't miss those conversations. I'm all done comparing notes on developmental milestones, teething, and mysterious rashes. It is so important to be around other Moms that are at the same stage as you when you have little ones. I was there for many, many years. But I wanted to read my book--I had no interest in engaging in their conversation. That was their time.



My two were climbing up the slide, practicing gymnastics moves on the bars, and watching these little people with wonder. When had we stopped living in this world of pull-ups and velcro shoes? It looked a little foreign to my kids, and frankly, I felt a little bit of the same. When you're raising kids, you can't really declare yourself officially done with one phase and on to the next. The borders are blurred. We're all in Elementary school now, but we're still in booster seats, I'm still brushing their teeth for them, and a snuggle from Mommy can still make a bonk on the head feel better. If I could look into the future a few years, I'll bet I'll be nostalgic for these days.



I watched as my son helped a little boy on the final steps of his climb. The little boy turned to my 6-year old and said, "thank you, sir" and ran away to continue his adventure. I found this to be hilarious, and I could tell my little guy felt like a pretty big kid at that moment. He still occasionally wets the bed and has a meltdown about once a day, but to the current regulars at the playground, he's what they're all working hard to become. And with that, I will declare myself officially done with the baby years, and proud to have made it through with three little role models for the current regulars at the playground.

This week's inspiration

"Inspired Living"
The name was born out of the inspiration I was finding almost every day in books, magazines, songs, conversations, nature...wherever. I have been gathering little nuggets of inspiration for years and sometimes an old gem comes back to inspire me. Something old is new again!

"As comedian Phyllis Diller says, 'Cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.' If your other family members don't like it, they'll learn to pick up your slack. Goddess knows you've picked up their slack from time to time."
~ excerpt from The Mother Trip by Ariel Gore

It's not the house cleaning part that has me thinking this week, it's the slack part. Slacker is just not a word I would normally use to describe myself. Frankly, it doesn't describe me right now either, if you ask me. We are being financially wise and are finishing the concrete floors in our basement by ourselves rather than paying someone to do the dirty work for us. Notice I said "we" and "us." My sweet husband has been saying "we" and "us" when he talks about this project (yes, honey, I have noticed)--sort of in the same way I say "we" and "us" when I talk about earning the paycheck that keeps a roof over our heads and food on our table.

My husband is finishing the concrete floor. I patched a couple nail holes, I cleared out some furniture that needed to be moved, but he's the one sucking in the fumes, using muscles he hasn't used in years, listening to his ipod as he scrubs and brushes and mops and rinses and dumps and mops again...

My husband showers, dresses, commutes, sells, negotiates, kisses ass, bitches out, and generally does the deed necessary to earn a salary. He loves it and he's really good at it (what a blessing).

But it's "us" and "we" that are sustaining this family. I walk down to that basement and my eyes glaze over. As far as this project goes, I'm the slack. But I'll put together the new basketball hoop and I'll paint the basement walls...once the floors are done. I'll pay the bills, manage the debt and the savings. I'll buy the groceries and the winter coats, I'll get everyone their flu shots, I'll kiss the boo-boos (while he's at work at least). He'll probably do the laundry, we'll both help with homework. I think it's safe to say that there are no slackers in this family. Sometimes he takes up my slack, sometimes I take up his. No questions asked. That's what love is about--that's what family is about.

This evening I watched as my 5 year old found inspiration from a 25 year old Polaroid of 7 Cabbage Patch dolls lined up on my mom's porch swing. She was giddy when she saw it and immediately wanted to glue it to a piece of construction paper and bring it to her teacher. She wanted to call Grandma and tell her to bring all those Cabbage Patches the next time she visits. Thirty minutes later I knelt next to her at her bed as she was deep in her creative process, designing a card in honor of this special treasure I had found earlier in a box of old photos. With her Dad's help on how to spell Cabbage Patch she then used her own budding spelling skills to write "I Love Cabbage Patch Dolls" and draw each of the seven dolls, all sitting on the swing, along with images of me (Mom), Dad, Ava (big sister), Jerry & Garcia (2 cats--one with a spot on her head), and brother Harrison (okay, I had to remind her about him).

Quietly kneeling next to her I was so fascinated by her energy, her intent, the pure felicity of this creative process. She wanted to pin her masterpiece to the cork board hanging over her bed. I just love this child's spirit!

After tucking her in bed (which took much cajoling) I came downstairs to find my 8 year old daughter just home from gymnastics. She was brimming with energy herself, and giggling as she told a story. For some reason she thought it would be a good idea to put two Halloween stamps (the ink kind, not the sticky kind) on her forehead. Usually the girls get to stamp their hands for a good workout, and to be honest, they usually end up on their cheeks the next morning because they nestle up in bed, head perched on hands in prayer position. But to put the stamps right smack on her forehead...that's just silly. And she thought so too! That's why she did it. She's 8! The free abandon that comes with being a child! I love to observe it, be in the presence of it, even try to adopt it in the most appropriate way every once in a while.

The dichotomy of it, the yin and yang of my life right now, is to witness that joy alongside my son, who does not have an active imagination. Creativity is not his thing. He has never role played, never been a pirate on a ship, a dinosaur hunting his prey, a race car driver on the tail of his opponent. I struggle to find the joy in his life--what gives him the inspiration to leave the world around him and frolic in a world of his creating. He wants it, I can tell. Of course, he doesn't really know what he's missing. He finds every form to fill out, every math sheet to complete, he wants to text message his aunt, email his friend's mom, and check tomorrow's weather online. I do catch him once in a while cheering himself on as he plays basketball in the driveway. But more often, like today, I watched as he sat in the front lawn waiting for the mailman, or laid on the trampoline watching the trees sway in the wind.

I want so badly to know that his experience as a child is as wondrous and carefree as my daughters'. Antonyms for light-hearted are burdensome and heavy. I fear that that describes his experience more. I believe in my mother's heart that one day this is all going to make sense to me, that he faced so many challenges as a young child in order to get him to the place where his spirit can soar. It's just so hard to see him go through it now, as a little 6-year old boy. And am I guiding him properly? Am I supporting him and nurturing him the way he needs to be supported and nurtured?

I know I am doing that. That boy knows how much I love him. And so do my girls. We all have our own path. In the woods behind my house growing up there were paths that were wide and worn, free from dangerous limbs or bulging tree roots. The occasional puddle that would get you muddy one day or offer you a chance at ice skating the next. And there were other paths that were more rugged, more mysterious. It was a bigger commitment to explore these paths, and we weren't quite sure where they led because not many kids had gone there before us. We all found amazing treasures and wonderlands in those woods.

We don't all have the same choices to make. Some of us are naturally drawn to the wide path, and some of us get hung up on the briers that line the narrow path. But I've got to believe they all lead us to where we are supposed to go. In our case, although the journey is so important, that break in the woods is something I look forward to finding with my son. And my girls will encounter their own individual obstacles as well, and I plan on being there then too. I guess I just wish that I could take myself, as an adult, into those imaginative lands where flowers bloom as tall as people and rainbows abound, if even for a little while. I'd be sure to take my son with me.

Overflowing Cups are free!

Money.
It's such a nasty word.

Let's think about it for a second. Money is really just a currency we exchange for something that we want. We earn it for satisfactorily performing an action that is pleasing someone else. So we're pleasing others to satisfy out own desires. I see this going down a different path than my original intention so I'm going to steer myself away from the "working for the man" path and redirect toward the "do what you love" path.

The discussion of money can add so much stress to a situation. Something we've learned as adults is, unless you're in very familiar company, don't discuss money, religion, or politics. I remember never wanting to ask my parents for money when I was in high school and college because I could just see the stress in their faces. Asking for more money in a job is one of the hardest things to do. Negotiating big purchases is an art form, and it takes great skill and detachment. We have to be willing to walk away from whatever it is we're are trying to acquire--and that it stressful!

But if we pause, and take a step back, we can see that we can be just as happy and satisfied with less. Set aside the American pattern of always wanting more...bigger...newer...upgraded. You can have tulips shipped in from Holland because you love them so much, but can't daisies or roses be just as beautiful and pleasing to the senses? You can save and save to go on your dream vacation, but can't we find the same adventure and sensory experience if we take a train rather than a plane, or stay in a hostel or with friends rather than a glorious hotel? The exchange of money does not equal the ultimate satisfaction. Working and earning every day toward an idealized end is not a way to live a full and balanced life. And so often that end doesn't meet our grand expectations and we're left disappointed. Disappointed and stressed out for all it took us to get there. Bummer.

I guess this goes back to my long held "work hard, play hard" philosophy. Of course, I think there should be some sense of play in our work--we should enjoy what we spend the majority of our time doing. (Conversely, do I think there should be some work in our play? I don't know about that.) And as I get older, I'm moderating my philosophy to more of a "work pretty hard, play pretty hard." A gentler way of existing.

Maybe all of this is just a way for me to figure out how I'm going to get to Greece for less than what I spent going to Italy (which was not too bad, if you ask me). But I really believe that it doesn't have to be prohibitive to travel, to remodel, to change your style, to throw a wedding, or to feed your family healthy food. Maybe it's part sacrifice, part creativity and resourcefulness. But life is too short to not have some joy in each day and some bliss on a regular basis. To suffer day after day as a means to an end is a waste. Maybe if we can open our eyes to the gifts we have before us in each moment, we'll see that the exchange of money is not what creates happiness, but that simply living with gratitude and awareness will fill our souls. And even when we feel full and abundant, there is always room to add more when it comes to us.

I am going to try to figure out why it is so challenging to post a comment to my blog. Hopefully by the time you're done reading this I'll have made it easier. I'd love to read your comments and your take on what I post. These are just my ideas which can always be expanded upon, enhanced, or even changed based on the input of others! And if I can spur contemplation in someone else then I feel I'm being successful in my writing. So please, comment away!

For my 35th birthday in 2008 I got a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings from my darling husband. For my 36th birthday this year I got this spaceship-looking composter. So romantic.

Starting in May we have been adding all of our produce scraps to this crazy composter. We eat more fruit and vegetables that I realized, as we dump about 2 large bowls of trimmings every day. We fill up the bowls with not only produce, but paper towels, egg shells, coffee liners and grounds, and leaves from the yard. The composter sits on a handy stand equipped with wheels for easy spinning of the orb. I'll admit, it can get a bit funky. We had it on the back deck but we moved it to the "garden" to help with inevitable dripping and the occasional ant visitors. It's working out much better out there and isn't as big of a topic of discussion whenever we have friends over for back deck cocktails.

A great byproduct of composting for us has been our huge reduction in curbside garbage. We have trash pick up once a week and whereas before we would fill our barrel each week, we sometimes find that we only have one or two bags of trash in the barrel. We already separate all of our recycling and take it to the recycling center every couple of weeks: glass, plastic, aluminum, cardboard, junk mail, and more. So we feel really good about reducing what we're putting in the landfill each week!

The monster composting globe was getting heavy. Spinning it was getting difficult. We have, after all, been putting two big bowls of scraps in it every day for about 4 months. Interestingly though, it appeared to only be half full. The magic of composting! So today we decided it was time to empty it out and start fresh. We took some sticks and limbs from recent storms and built a little "cage" to hold the compost. The idea is that we can come to this pile when we do our future plantings but keep the composter spinning. We rolled it down to the backyard and dumped out dark, beautiful, earthy-smelling soil. A few worms, no foul smells, and a corn cob or two that hadn't broken down.

We created a thin layer of "power dirt" to nourish our flowers and plants. Just a thin layer! Imagine all those bags of garbage that could have been hauled away to who-knows-where. Instead, mother nature took charge and broke it all down for us to use again. Love it!

Turtlenecks and turnips

Blue jeans and leather jackets. Long cotton scarves and boots. Red highlights. The crock pot. Full bodied red wine with hearty beef stew--don't forget the crusty bread.

I love all four seasons. I have decided that it's important to me to live in a place where I can experience all of them. Flowing with Mother Nature and her rhythms is comfortable to me. I have always been the type of person who looks forward to the next big thing, always ready to move forward. The past few years I have really been working to live more in the present. Daydreams of what lies ahead are useful to get me through some of the monotony of my everyday life as a stay-at-home mom in the suburbs. But being fully aware of what is happening right now can be so rewarding--especially in times of change.

I have always thought of fall as a time to reconnect with the Earth, to set new goals, and to reflect on where I am. I like New Years resolutions, but they are never as meaningful to me as the work I do in early September. I would think that maybe springtime would be a more likely time to be called to start anew, like nature. Summertime is so free...it's hot (especially here in Georgia), clothes are lose and light, a dip in the pool can substitute for a day's shower, a salad and a pinot grigio won't weigh me down. Then I feel that slight chill in the air. We've had some rain, we've raked some leaves, and we don't mind so much if the kids leave the doors hanging open. Things are changing, and it calls me to ponder what is changing in me.

I've been snooping around for goal setting programs online. Getting organized with my thoughts is important in me accomplishing things. For several years I have been focused on raising the kids. Carving out time for me was one of my goals, and I've been successful at that! Now I'm finding that, with all 3 kids in elementary school, I have plenty of time "for me"--now what am I going to do with it? Like nature in autumn, it's time for me to shed my old leaves, gently. It's time to go within and start settling in for deeper growth. No hibernating, no dormancy...there is serious work to be done. The flightiness and "distractability" of summer must take heed in the attentiveness of fall.

To think of next summer, it seems so far away. We still have a full fall, winter, and spring to experience and accomplish before those long, muggy days return (although I'm sure we're not done with them this year yet!). I'm excited about the work that I can do between now and then. I'm excited to light up a fire in our fire pit. I'm excited to go barefoot on the cool Earth on the evening of a full moon. Get motivated, get organized, get focused. Get cooking! Fall vegetables, soups and stews, hot tea in the afternoon. So much to do! I'd better get on it!

There is a rabbinical saying: "Don't limit a child to your own learning, for he was born in another time." Give you child the freedom to explore the world for themselves. If you fear for their safety in territories unknown to you, walk beside them and explore those places together. Let your children be your guides in rediscovering the world."


Although parents wish to protect their children from danger, an important task of parenting involves allowing children to explore their own depths and the mystery of fate - which draws them into the potentially dangerous but transformative experiences of life.

Both of these passages are from "1,001 Meditations" by Mike George.


I am raising my kids as little individuals who feel strong and empowered in their decisions. I want them each to be independent and eager to learn about what interests them. I want them to ask questions and challenge themselves and others. I want to make things available and accessible to them. We're so fortunate to be living a life that can allow us most opportunities if it is important enough.

I love that high schools are now offering "internships for credit" type of situations. Expecting a fresh high school graduate at 18 to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives is just not so realistic. What a great way to try a few occupations out? And what about travelling? Learning about other cultures first hand and in person can enrich anyone! I wish travel was more affordable. I guess it's a matter of priorities. If I lived more simply now I could afford to travel more. Travelling with a family of 5 is a bit more limiting--but doable. If I really want it and think it's important enough.

I feel like I pretty much did what I wanted as a teenager. I was working so I had some money. I didn't ask for permission for much--or maybe I didn't much listen to the answer. I don't remember asking for much guidance. I had to learn for myself--and I did. I'm thankful I had parents who, although I don't think they knew what to do with my free spirit, let me be. They could have put heavy restrictions on me or sent me to some school for curious and independent girls that would have stifled my explorations.

This isn't exactly what I want for my kids though. I feel like I have some experiences they can learn from. Or at least my stories might sway them to make one choice over another on their own. But when it comes down to it, they are their own people. What intrigued me will not be the same for them. What gets their blood pumping will be different than what it was for me. And it's true, growing up in the 2020's and 2030's is going to be far different than it was for me in the 1980's and 1990's, or what their father experienced in the 1970's and 1980's. Their world as young people is so different.

So I guess all I can do is talk with them, listen to them, and allow them to be free. Free to explore, free to ask questions and challenge, free to be themselves...as they search to discover who it is they really are. That work, after all, has very little to do with me. As I've said before, I'm a guide. I want to be the best damn guide I can be. One with a cold glass of water and a foot rub at the end of each quest. I won't have all the answers, but maybe I can offer them clues. And I'm really confident that I'm going to feel so proud to know them. I already do.

I'm just realizing that I'm going to have to be alone with myself for a week while I'm in Italy.

Maybe I should be doing as much, if not more, preparation for THAT as I am all the cooking classes and tours.

There is a full moon coming tomorrow. My brief online research tells me the full moon is a time of abundance, strongly related to the maternal. I can affirm that I am full to the brim with maternal energy right now. Kids go back to school in a few days, the baby starts kindergarten, and the emotions are running high as far as being protective, and the struggle between holding on tight and beginning to let go. I hope to connect to Mother Earth tomorrow night, soak in her energy, and pray for guidance in supporting my children on their journey. It is their journey, after all, and I can't do it for them.

The next new moon occurs while I'm in Tuscany. The same brief online research taught me that this is a time of new beginnings, positive change, evolution and expansion. How ideal! Again, I will plan to take off my shoes (will they be the practical-yet-stylish hoofing around Italy shoes or the new leather boots I acquire on my travels?) and plant my feet on Mother Earth. I will set my intentions for the next phase of my life.

As if I didn't have enough research to do! I will remain open to receive the messages intended for me and it will all work out as it should. Take a breath, give thanks, and slow down. Embrace the work I have to do in the next week as Mama, then prepare for the equally important work I have to do as Cristin.

What is success? To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty; To find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; That is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A sunny 75 degree day makes you love wherever you are, doesn't it?

For as much as I daydream about my "forever place," I've been taking advantage of a lot of the delicious benefits of living in my current place.

I know that I am in the perfect place right now for me and for my family. We have a great house that I use as a creative outlet, a diverse and active community that I share with handfuls of supportive people, schools that are treating my kids oh-so right, a climate that allows me to enjoy all four seasons, and easy access to so much that makes life simpler and full.

This week alone I indulged in some things that I realize I might have been taking for granted:
~ My local YMCA, where I can get my "happy juice" as my kids call it, and they have fun in the playroom while I do my thing. I have 2 beautiful, clean Ys to chose from, both about 10 minutes away.
~ A plethora of affordable and yummy restaurants to grant me a night off from cooking dinner and some face time with my rockin' husband.
~ The North Georgia mountains...in a minimum of an hour I can be exploring trails, waterfalls, fresh mountain air, wineries, local art, and charming little villages.
~ The farmer's market in my town sent me home with juicy tomatoes and fresh homemade buffalo mozzarella, cucumbers that my girls will devour, and berries that beat any store made dessert.
~ Little boutiques that even my oldest daughter has a hard time passing by--full of creative ideas to decorate myself.
~ More Mexican restaurants than my son could ever try, all with an icy, salt-rimmed Texas margarita waiting for me.
~ A backyard that has grass and woods, a trampoline and Adirondack chairs, a gorgeous deck with outdoor speakers and a vine with a life of it's own (that makes me so happy!).

And I haven't even touched upon the amazing people that I've encountered each day of this divine, yet average, week. That will have to be a blog for another day. I also didn't venture into the city this week. Again, another blog for another day.

So when I daydream about where I am going to go to find my bliss, maybe I should stop...stop and sit in a hammock, kayak down the Chattahoochee River that runs 10 minutes from my home, have a cup of coffee with a neighbor, water my flowers, or take a swing with my kids in the backyard. Maybe I should consider that I may already be here.

I challenge you to think of a new way to answer the following question:
"What do you do for a living?"
Life should be a balance of work and play, family and friends, rest and activity, vegetables and chocolate...
The whole idea of "earning a living" is hogwash. No one has to earn the right to be here. We all deserve to be here and to be happy. If there were to be a description of how to earn a living, I would say something like living a benevolent life, as a positive example to others, caring for our planet, and embracing the gifts that we all have to offer. Finding a way to pay the bills while staying true to these virtues is the best of all worlds. And I guess that goes back to a previous post about doing what you love and the money will follow. But I also like to remind my children that "to whom much is given, much is expected." There are times in our lives when we are givers, and there are times when we are takers. It's a beautiful circle that keeps us in balance.
So how will I answer that question the next time I'm asked--"what do you do for a living?" What is my lifework?
I'm going to ponder that for a while and I guess I'll have to get back to you.

peace, love, and good karma~

Live with what you love.

This rule is a big part of Feng Shui. Our belongings carry energy and are alive with our memories and associations we attach to them. Surrounding ourselves with things that lift our spirit, make us feel nostalgic, and give us comfort is just plain a good way to live. When the alternative is to surround ourselves with items that depress us, make us remember bad times, or are harmful in some way, it seems like a no-brainer. But getting rid of our stuff is not always easy. We hold on to things for various reasons, motivated by different emotions, pressures, and fears. I can think about a mirror, a pair of jeans, a family heirloom, an unopened Christmas gift; and feel confident that I'm not alone when it comes to clogging up my energy with belongings that don't serve me.

What I've been expanding upon lately is the idea that "live with what you love" can carry to other areas of our lives. Again, thinking of the life energies we work with in Feng Shui, I can see how our careers, relationships, finances, and more can be negatively impacted by accumulated junk.

~ Give and you shall receive. When money is tight or bills keep flooding your mailbox, volunteer at a homeless shelter or clean out your closets for Good Will. Giving away what you have, be it time, used household items, or your positive energy to a friend in need, opens up space for good fortune to come to you.

~ Do what you love and the money will follow. When day in and day out is spent in uninspiring, meaningless work, your life energy is depleted. Focusing your energy on one of your passions is a much better way to live your life. I'm not suggesting that quitting your job and playing your guitar in your living room is a good strategy, but I think you get the point.

~ If you take the opportunity or pass on the opportunity, is your life going to be any better or worse? This idea just makes me think about happiness and contentment. The gravity we put on some decisions is just not in alignment with our core values. Some choices we're faced with can really impact our lives in a positive or negative way. Most will not.

Today's musing is "live with whom you love." Thinking of the people we surround ourselves with...why would we chose to spend time with people that bring us down or make us feel bad about ourselves? We could analyze our choice and try to discover some hidden part of our personality that is drawn to the negativity. OR, we could just chose to not spend our precious time with them. There are many people we encounter on a regular basis that we must coexist with--it's not a matter of choice. In these instances it may help to make a conscious effort to not let this person's energy affect your own...create your own happiness despite the obstacles around you. And make sure that this is a small fraction of your time so you can focus on the uplifting relationships in your life.

By surrounding ourselves with authentic people that make us laugh, make us think, make us feel good...we fill ourselves up and thus have more to offer the people we encounter throughout our lives. It's really a win-win situation. It's Feng Shui for the soul!

So what are you going to get rid of today?

peace, love, and recycling...

"It is a glorious privilege to live,
to know, to act, to listen, to behold, to love.
To look up at the blue summer sky;
to see the sun sink slowly beyond the line of the horizon;
to watch the worlds come twinkling into view,
first one by one, and the myriads that no man can count, and lo!
the universe is white with them; and you and I are here."
~Marco Morrow

Bloom Where You Are Planted

We lay down our roots
Those roots grow stronger, deeper
They nourish us
The earth keeps us safe and sheltered from the elements

The stem is our backbone
It keeps us strong and growing each day toward the heavens
Life travels up and down its path as
We stand tall and strong

We sprout branches
There is no pattern or standard size or direction
They draw from their foundation
Wildly stretching toward the sun

With care and hope and optimism a tiny bud forms
It eases itself open, ever so gently
Full of color and ripe with nectar, confident
Ready for all the abundant opportunities!

Mama Bear evolved

"Out of all the little boys in the world, why did God chose to give me the very best one?"
"Because you are perfect for me, and I am perfect for you."

Partly inspired by Dr. Phil, partly my own maternal material, I've shared the nightly presence of this bedtime exchange between my son and I with many people. It is one of the proudest moments of my day.

It has not been easy to be his mom. But you know what? No one ever told me parenting was going to be easy. Looking back to eight years ago when I first became a mother, it wasn't easy then, even with one of the sweetest, most divine babies God ever made (she is still divinely sweet as an almost-eight year old).

God looked at me and decided that this little soul needed to be put under my care. He looked at our family, what it was and what it was to become, and precisely chose him to be a part of our curvy, bumpy puzzle. With him in it, with all five of us in it, our puzzle is complete. The picture it produces is a beautiful sight.

The Mama Bear syndrome is something I'm curious about and like to explore. I've just realized recently that I've matured as a Mama Bear, no longer as concerned about what others think and more concerned with my own thoughts. It used to be I was afraid I was being judged as a mother if my children misbehaved or did something odd. Or I was afraid that someone else's internal dialogue was asking, "what's wrong with that kid?" Now I've truly come to accept that these children are not mine to sculpt and control. These are three unique individuals who are growing and developing through their own personal experiences in the world. I am here to guide them, to keep them safe and healthy. I try to set a good example of how to live a balanced life. I want to inspire them to be aware, grateful, thoughtful, responsible, confident.

So now when Mama Bear comes out, I'm defending the person my child IS. Someone commented the other day that my son didn't listen to what anyone told him to do. That would have put a pit in my stomach a couple years ago, sending me into a swirl of feelings of inadequacy. Mama Bear leaped out this time declaring that my son is very self-motivated and that trait is going to serve him well down the road. This statement/criticism came from the same person who didn't understand why my three year old was permitted to chose her own clothes each morning. He didn't understand until I explained it to him, then I think he was on board. My children have caused me to think differently, and maybe now I can help others to think differently.

I have something to learn from my son--many things, I'm sure. I will advocate for him and I will celebrate him. I am so grateful to have been able to be home with him every day during those early years when we were all just trying to figure it out. And now he's showing me that this is who he is. He has not made it easy, and for that I'm thankful. I am a better mother and a better person for having to struggle and persevere. And at the end of each day, to be able to look in his eyes and express that unconditional love, I feel that I am doing the job God assigned me well. I feel proud and successful because he knows how exceptional he is. He is a gift to me and I so look forward to discovering all he has to teach me as he grows from a boy to a man. And hopefully he'll find plenty to learn from his Mama Bear as well.

This week's inspiration

I'm not sure how the legalities of this work, but this is an excerpt from Everyday Blessings - The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. It was as if I was supposed to read this chapter this week--it really spoke to me.

Who's the Parent, Who's the Child?
The demands of the age we live in, its time pressures, economic pressures, and social pressures, all coalesce to rob our children of some of the most precious qualities of childhood. There is a dreaminess to childhood, a moving slowly from one thing to another, that gets torn away under the pressure of time. children now are prematurely pushed to be independent because the parents need them to be. They are growing up more and more in a physical and emotional vacuum, raised by TV and their peers rather than with the guidance and support of adult men and women.

There is certainly enough anguish in the circumstances that befall families, through age and through disease or accident, not to compound it by creating unnecessary emotional burdens and prisons for those we love out of the automatic habits of a lifetime, and to fulfill our own unmet emotional needs. To bring this domain into greater focus, we might ask ourselves what the unwritten and unspoken emotional rules were in our family of origin.

A friend once described only being visible to her father when she spoke with him about his work, which was in science. Only when she failed her pre-med courses did she realize that she was on a path that wasn't hers, and began to focus full time on her art work, incurring the strong disapproval of her father. The tacit rule was, "I am happy to approve of you as long as you do what I want."

These tacit understandings are different in different families. In some, the parents' emotional needs dominate; in others, emotional needs are ignored completely. Unspoken patterns are set up for the benefit of the people with the most power, usually one or both parents. Appeals based on guilt, shame, devotion, duty, responsibility can all be used to manipulate and coerce children to maintain such tacit patterns, leaving little room for the child to have and express his or her own feelings and needs.

Some parents only know how to feel close and connected through their wounds and their pain. they unconsciously want their children to feel their pain with them and, sometimes, to carry it for them. A subtle entraining may take place between parent and child--wholly beneath the conscious awareness and intention of the parent--in which the child learns to tune in to the emotional needs of the parent, often without anything being said. Rather than the parent being empathic and compassionate, the child takes on that role and is expected to empathize with the parent's feelings, troubles, and stresses. The child becomes predominantly "other-oriented," acting as the parent's confidant, a sympathetic ear. The child's own feelings, needs desires get buried. The son may become a "good boy," the daughter and "good girl," at the expense of their own feelings, their own inner selves. The only other choice they may feel they have in order to hold on to who they are is to do something extreme, such as reject their parents completely, get into self-destructive behaviors, run away, or become isolated and remote.

Children have to develop their own sense of self before they can be aware of other in a balanced and healthy way. They need to know how they feel, what they need, what they want. They also need to learn how to communicate appropriately in this domain, and to feel a sympathetic emotional responsiveness from those around them. As we have seen, this is a major responsibility of parents: to actually behave as adults, and respond to and meet the needs of their children.

When this happens, over time children naturally learn to be more aware of other people. They begin to experience what it means to engage in dialogue and have a sense of "the other." They speak, the other listens; the other speaks, they listen. Hopefully, they begin to have direct experiences of reciprocity. Through having their feelings and needs listened to, responded to, and by being able to put their trust in others, they develop the skills needed to have full, reciprocal relationships of their own. In general, this takes some time to develop. For some children, it may be a process, unfolding over many years. For others, it may happen at an early age.

When children feel the latitude and safety to say how they really feel and how they really see things, it is only natural that they will challenge their parents a lot. One of the most frustrating things for us in our family has been our children's skill and certain ages in turning any situation around and making us into the bad guys--making it our fault--making us wrong. being able to acknowledge their own involvement and responsibility takes children a long time, and a lot of patience on the part of parents.

10 Years Ago

Ten years ago today marked the first of several events that changed me, that catapulted me into adulthood. I may pretend to still go back to the naivety and irresponsibility of those days sometimes, but it's just an act. I can't go back to who I was before Columbine.

I was 25 years old, about six weeks away from my wedding day. I was consumed by last minute details: flowers, food, music, transportation, church. I was working my butt off in a job I didn't like any longer. I was trying to focus on the marriage and not the wedding. But, it was all about ME. Well, April 20th changed that for me.

I couldn't take my eyes off the images I was seeing on the television. I felt like those were my peers running for their lives. I felt like high school was just a peek over my shoulder. I cried and cried over that tragedy. Emotions were running high anyway, I know. But what about those kids? What about their families? What kind of world were we living in?

Fast forward a couple months. The wedding went off almost without a hitch. And the hitches were inconsequential...it was beautiful. I was a newlywed. And although we were definitely in the honeymoon period, I was finding the transition from fiance to wife a bit challenging. I felt different. So many people who lived with their spouses before getting married claim that things were the same after saying their vows. Not for me. I was now the "woman of the household." We were going to eat balanced meals, landscape the front yard, my husband would not walk out of the house wrinkled, we would send out thank-you notes on monogrammed cards.

Then John F. Kennedy, Jr.'s plane went down with his elegant wife and her sister. Now, growing up half way between Boston and Cape Cod, I felt like the Kennedys were extended family. I forgave them their many flaws and embraced the royal family of Massachusetts as part of my line of ancestry. So what happened? Was it foggy that night? Were they fighting on their way to a cousin's wedding? Were they really gone--or was it all a hoax because they were tired of the merciless spotlight? I cried and cried. I felt a bit silly, since he really wasn't my uncle's sister's brother once removed. But I was emotional. Life was fragile, I was learning. Things were getting stirred up within me.

About two weeks later, on my husband's birthday, I was watching the clock at my draining job when something happened. I can't recall exactly how the events unfolded, but we learned that there was a sniper in the building and he had shot several people. Apparently, he was a day trader and he lost his mind and went postal on a bunch of people in my office complex and across the street. [Side note: day trading psychos and disgruntled postal workers of the past...makes me think that we are doing okay in today's wobbling climate. Or at least I'm not hearing about it, which is fine with me. Then again, maybe I've just hardened to the daily dose of angst I get from the news.] Long story short, we spent the day crowded in a center room without windows, crouching down as we whispered on our cell phones to find out what the latest reports were. We got the word the shooter had fled, and later, over steak and martinis (we continued on with birthday plans), we saw that the shooter was killed. Or did he kill himself? I don't know. I just remember being pissed off. I mean, what the hell?! Enough, already! I held my husband tight that night, and I'm sure I cried and cried.

Ten years ago this August our dear friends Christie and Wiley Long celebrated their 10-year anniversary and treated a bunch of us to a divine week in Jamaica. It was 7 days of floating, eating, drinking, laughing, and sleeping. When I came home I quit my job. Life was just too short.

You know, looking back I don't remember myself as an emotional person. I was very level-headed, looking out for others and putting on a strong front. Although it wasn't a front--I was strong. I still am. But I emote, and I love it. I feel things deeply now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. That was a rough year for me in many ways, but it was so wonderful as well. In about 6 weeks I'll celebrate my 10-year anniversary with a man I love deeply. I have three unbelievable children for whom I would do anything. My job is to be a Mom and manage my household, and it's the hardest job I've ever had. My goal is to live each day with joy. Because life is too short not to.

What I LIKE

I came to this conclusion a few days ago...I don't like--well, what is it I don't like? Strip malls. Chain restaurants.

I am enchanted by the idea of middle America. Cute little neighborhood diners and family-owned hardward stores. I love local artisans. I love local chefs. I much prefer writing about what I love rather than what I don't like!

I love little villages. Local charm that oozes out of historic cottages, and coffee shops I can walk to early in the morning for a fresh cup of french roast and a crusty peice of something. A neighborhood bar where locals gather any time of day to find comfort in the familiar.

Colors! Not concrete and stucco--unless it's salmon and torquoise (although I've never been to the likes of New Mexico or Arizona, this is what I envision there--and what an art mecca!). I like to steep in the culture of a place. And even in what may seem like the simplest of towns, there is rich culture to observe. What is culture? (I love to look up words in the dictionary.)

Culture: The totality of socially transmitted behavior patterns, arts, beliefs, institutions, and all other products of human work and thought.

I love it!

As I sat in my Orlando condo, filled with all a Disney-visiting family could need, I craved everything that place was not. Something unique. Little visions to feast the eyes on. Fortunately for me, I have 3 little visions that I devoured for the week. Their shining faces in the shadow of that giant castle were art in it's purest form.

We ran across a crane family of some sort one afternoon. Mom, Dad, and fluffy little baby...in the back parking lot of a mini-mart. We fed them some Doritos. They were so used to humans, we thought they might jump right in our minivan. They were teaching their little baby the way of man. The Mama was feeding her baby Doritos right out of her thin, pointy beak. What kind of birds were this new breed? So sad.

Little wooden homes, sometimes unnoticeable from the street, incorporated into the natural flora and fauna of a place. Wildlife undisturbed. Indigenous plants growing wild--not sculpted in to extraordinary shapes or patterns. Natural paths gently encouraged to lead me to the next reflecting spot. Always they in the lead though.

The trickle of water, or the flow of it. I could sit and watch water flow, well, I don't know for how long. I'd like to say I could do it for hours, but I may need to work toward that. For now, in the suburban home that I love (and don't like at the same time), I'm going to focus on the listening to the water--really listening. I'm going to watch the dozens of birds in my backyard. I'm going to feel the soggy ground under my bare feet. I'm going to smell the wet pavement, because that is what I have. All of this is mine to experience, if I take the time to pause and pay attention.

A Fresh Start

I always look forward to starting a new journal. I see it as an opportunity to make a defining statement about where I am in life. Who I am. What I'm grateful for. A springboard from which to jump in to regular explorations of the little fibers that make up the fabric of who I am.

This blog is my acknowlegement to myself that maybe I have something to share. Maybe I can help people through being honest and unafraid of examining the choices I make on my life's path. I make choices every day that affect how I grow and who I become. I tend to think a lot about that spot around the corner; that little park bench under the shade tree that looks out on the calm water, where I will sit and understand. I will be at peace in my soft golden aura of joy. I'd like to look honestly at what this spot, this very spot on which I'm standing on the same path, right now, what it looks like. And how do I get this spot to look like the one around the corner? It's a choice. A choice within me that I have to make. It's possible. Do I not feel worthy of that seat on the bench? Am I afraid that there will be nothing else?

I have a dear friend who took me on a guided meditation to discover what my life's purpose is. This is what I dug up and revealed: I am here to listen, to guide, and to love.

Listen. Guide. Love.

After sitting with that, and the whole guided meditation experience, for a few days I began to think of what I could do to turn my life's purpose into a career. Fulfillment and contribution have been big topics of mine for some time now. The struggle to feel that being a stay-at-home mom is enough. The guilt of knowing that I want more. A desire to be challenged, and to express my creativity through my work. A feeling of responsibility to my children to be an example of a woman who can be a mother and have a career of my choice at the same time.

What am I supposed to be doing? I wait for the signs. I am open to the messages that may be sent to me indicating how to manifest my life's purpose in to meaningful work. Then fear pops up. Hello, self-sabotaging behavior! Nice to see you again, procrastination! Let's sit down and have a glass of wine, shall we?

As I stand in this spot, this spot that today I realized is maybe just a lower altitude on a peak in my life and not, in fact, a valley, I ask myself, "what am I supposed to be doing?"

Maybe I'm already doing it.

Listen. Guide. Love.

That is what I'm going to work with next.

peace, love, and little drops of water...