Ten years ago today marked the first of several events that changed me, that catapulted me into adulthood. I may pretend to still go back to the naivety and irresponsibility of those days sometimes, but it's just an act. I can't go back to who I was before Columbine.
I was 25 years old, about six weeks away from my wedding day. I was consumed by last minute details: flowers, food, music, transportation, church. I was working my butt off in a job I didn't like any longer. I was trying to focus on the marriage and not the wedding. But, it was all about ME. Well, April 20th changed that for me.
I couldn't take my eyes off the images I was seeing on the television. I felt like those were my peers running for their lives. I felt like high school was just a peek over my shoulder. I cried and cried over that tragedy. Emotions were running high anyway, I know. But what about those kids? What about their families? What kind of world were we living in?
Fast forward a couple months. The wedding went off almost without a hitch. And the hitches were inconsequential...it was beautiful. I was a newlywed. And although we were definitely in the honeymoon period, I was finding the transition from fiance to wife a bit challenging. I felt different. So many people who lived with their spouses before getting married claim that things were the same after saying their vows. Not for me. I was now the "woman of the household." We were going to eat balanced meals, landscape the front yard, my husband would not walk out of the house wrinkled, we would send out thank-you notes on monogrammed cards.
Then John F. Kennedy, Jr.'s plane went down with his elegant wife and her sister. Now, growing up half way between Boston and Cape Cod, I felt like the Kennedys were extended family. I forgave them their many flaws and embraced the royal family of Massachusetts as part of my line of ancestry. So what happened? Was it foggy that night? Were they fighting on their way to a cousin's wedding? Were they really gone--or was it all a hoax because they were tired of the merciless spotlight? I cried and cried. I felt a bit silly, since he really wasn't my uncle's sister's brother once removed. But I was emotional. Life was fragile, I was learning. Things were getting stirred up within me.
About two weeks later, on my husband's birthday, I was watching the clock at my draining job when something happened. I can't recall exactly how the events unfolded, but we learned that there was a sniper in the building and he had shot several people. Apparently, he was a day trader and he lost his mind and went postal on a bunch of people in my office complex and across the street. [Side note: day trading psychos and disgruntled postal workers of the past...makes me think that we are doing okay in today's wobbling climate. Or at least I'm not hearing about it, which is fine with me. Then again, maybe I've just hardened to the daily dose of angst I get from the news.] Long story short, we spent the day crowded in a center room without windows, crouching down as we whispered on our cell phones to find out what the latest reports were. We got the word the shooter had fled, and later, over steak and martinis (we continued on with birthday plans), we saw that the shooter was killed. Or did he kill himself? I don't know. I just remember being pissed off. I mean, what the hell?! Enough, already! I held my husband tight that night, and I'm sure I cried and cried.
Ten years ago this August our dear friends Christie and Wiley Long celebrated their 10-year anniversary and treated a bunch of us to a divine week in Jamaica. It was 7 days of floating, eating, drinking, laughing, and sleeping. When I came home I quit my job. Life was just too short.
You know, looking back I don't remember myself as an emotional person. I was very level-headed, looking out for others and putting on a strong front. Although it wasn't a front--I was strong. I still am. But I emote, and I love it. I feel things deeply now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. That was a rough year for me in many ways, but it was so wonderful as well. In about 6 weeks I'll celebrate my 10-year anniversary with a man I love deeply. I have three unbelievable children for whom I would do anything. My job is to be a Mom and manage my household, and it's the hardest job I've ever had. My goal is to live each day with joy. Because life is too short not to.
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