An abstract glimpse of my contemplation of ROLES.

I'm eating chocolates, sipping on chardonnay, glancing out the window above my kitchen sink as I rinse and load.

It's Friday night, what used to be family movie night. But tonight I have three kids on three different screens...and earphones. The main TV is off, the music is on and being enjoyed by my husband and I, and the three kids are peaceful in front of their electronics. Eating dinner at the breakfast bar--straight off the grill, on to the cutting board, and in to my mouth.

The oldest finishes her movie--about cyber bullying. I explain to her that we are the first generation of parents to deal with this cyber stuff. We share stories. Topic jumps to pills. Whitney Houston. On to asphyxiation - what does suicide truly mean?

WOW.

ROLES. Fuck roles. I'm washing the dishes. I'm clearing up this week's paperwork. I'm drinking more chardonnay.

Where's the money coming from? Who cares?

You ran the dishwasher on rinse-only last night. Who cares?

It's Friday night and I spent precious time with my littlest, brushing her hair, getting her clothes off and jammies on. She asked me to brush her teeth for her as we stood in a steamy bathroom to help loosen her nasal and chest congestion. Wondered how the hamster in the room felt about it. Recalled the "nebulizer years" when we took baby Baby in here to breathe better. And learning later that dry heat is really better. Sometimes.

This is a long road--sometimes fast, sometimes so painfully slow. But my ROLE is Mom. Whether I'm earning a paycheck, doing yoga, letting my husband to the laundry, or hiring a nanny. His ROLE is Dad. Whether he's following behind finishing what I don't, selling the crap out of magazine ads, listening to me rant and rave about "the latest research," the neighbor's drama, my own self-inadequacies. Talking to his son about masturbation this weekend.

Yes. ROLES. They exist. How do you define them?

Battle Scars & Beauty

I saw a beautiful showing of art today about the relationship between mother and child, interpreted through the mother's self-reflective point of view. Without getting too much in to it, besides to say that if you live in Atlanta you should absolutely go see it, as all great art does, I'll say that it got me thinking. It got me thinking about a lot of things, in a different way than I'd thought about things in a while. It was one of those experiences where 10 minutes after leaving the exhibit, while driving on the highway on my way home, I started weeping. Weeping at the realization that -- I'm not alone.

All those deep dark feelings and yearnings I have, I'm not the only one. The land I live in so many hours of my life, part fairy tale/part reality tv show, is not in isolation. You know what it got me thinking about? Risk. I have been a Mama for just shy of 11 years. I have 3 children all in elementary school for 7 hours a day. I'm dreaming again--like realistic, I could really do this type dreams. Like, "I want to accomplish this", "I want to create this for real" type of dreams. When the kids were smaller, maybe 2, 3-1/2, and 5, I was dreaming of Caribbean beach towns. I was dreaming of freedom and liberation. Those dreams got me through the day. Now my aspirations include things like starting a business, buying real estate, changing what my daily routine has looked like for the past decade -- risky stuff!

But what is more risky than motherhood? One minute you're responsible for yourself, and maybe a dog. The next minute, you pee on a stick and you're responsible for this being growing inside you. Whatever you do to yourself, you do to this person. You are it's shelter, it's nourishment, it's protection. You body does not belong to you alone anymore--you have a 10 month tenant.

I remember being in Mexico a couple of months before my first child was born. I was rocking my little maternity bikini, feeling good about my body. I pointed out a spot on my stomach that I thought was a bruise, until my husband so graciously advised me that it was a stretch mark. Oh boy. This tenant was damaging the place and I had no security deposit for repairs! Well, I proceeded to watch my belly grow to, what, 20 times it's size? Not just that once, but three times over the course of three years. And my boobs--my poor boobs. Engorged, raw, deflated...they worked hard during their cumulative 20 months of nursing, and they have now checked in for a life of permanent relaxation.

I now have 3 precious children that are my responsibility. It's my job to keep them healthy and safe. Their security lies in my hands. Holding your newborn baby for the first time quickly alerts you to the reality that this person is depending on you completely. Yikes! THAT is scary! Forget buying a rental property--that's nothing compared to what I signed up for by bringing these 3 people in to the world.

So I walk around and notice all the Moms out there. We're so brave! We're living our life out in this body with sagging skin, scars, and extra weight, doing kegels so we don't pee ourselves. We sacrifice our bodies, our memories, our free time, our careers, our vibrancy, and our sporty cars. Maybe not all of us, or maybe not all at once. But becoming a mother is risky business and the weak need not apply. Even if you start out unsure, the ferociousness emerges.

I'd like to think that our pride in this role gives us a new kind of sex appeal. A strength and vitality that draws people to us. I do glance down the tempting path of "getting the physical stuff fixed," but then I see an art exhibit or a pregnant mama, or I look at myself with a little more love and acceptance and tell myself that these are my battle scars. Beauty comes from within so make sure you're glossy and glittery from the inside first. And maybe that will be enough.

No One Ever Told Me...

I was inspired by a friend's Facebook post lamenting not taking her child off the bottle at one year. Her daughter is now two and it is far more challenging than it would have been, she feels, if she had done it a year ago. Mama advice is priceless. Now, sometimes we nod our heads and say to ourselves, "I'm glad that worked for you, but I am so not doing that." And other times it's just not our choice as the parent. My first Mama advice is always--start getting used to not being in control anymore. A friend may tell you how wonderful it has been to breastfeed their child for 3 years. You honor her dedication and respect her as a mother but you have no intention of whipping out the booby for a running, tantrum-throwing toddler. Or maybe you would love nothing more than to do that but your kid is all about the sippy cup at 10 months old. Or you go back to work and logistically you simply cannot make it happen. Or as hard as you try, you can't breastfeed at all. This advice comes with the best of intentions (most of the time--if it's coming with judgement then who needs it anyway), and often this is where we gain the gems of knowledge that we too will eventually pass down.

There are some things, however, that no one ever told me. Either that or 1) I was too sleep-deprived to retain their wisdom or, 2) I didn't want to hear it because I still thought I was running the show or, 3) I heard it but I didn't really know what it meant. So I've been thinking about this for a couple of days but this list is by no means all-inclusive. I know I'm going to keep learning things and adding to this list as my kids grow. And I know you'll have some things to add as well--please do!! Here's my first stab at Things No One Ever Told Me.

1. Once a parent, always a parent. There is no break from this job.

2. You won't always love your choice to become a parent.

3. Diapers and formula are expensive. But when you're done with them you don't see that money because it goes to preschool. When they're done with preschool you don't see that money because it goes to sports. When they're done with sports you don't ... you get the point.

4. You have to buy a new wardrobe for your child (at least your first born) every season.

5. You'll spend a lot of money on babysitters and/or rely on your family and friends a lot. You can't do it alone.

6. The school day is NOT that long.

7. Sometimes you get pissed at your partner for getting you in this position in the first place.

8. Even public school education is expensive and requires at least a little bit of your time and talent. And a bunch of your cash.

9. You will feel judged.

10. It is really worth it to teach your child good eating habits from the day they start eating.

11. Having 3 kids pretty much removes you from the soft-top Jeep buying category.

12. Vacation with the kids is just like every day with the kids but in a foreign place without all your creature comforts.

13. Pilates is a really good idea before even start thinking about getting pregnant.

14. Even if you do pilates, your stomach still might end up looking like elephant knees.

15. Parenting is hard. Really hard.

I heard a lot about how wonderful being a Mom would be, and it has been. I don't ever want to send my kids back to where they came from but I do long for the days of pre-maternal freedom. I long for a lot of things. There's no doubt in my mind that these kids are worth every sacrifice I've made, but I'm keeping it real. I'm not going to pretend it's all fun and games because it's not. I'm a far better person for having this experience. But just like what my own mom told me would probably happen, I've lost a few marbles...and gained a few gems.

Light and Dark in Balance

Today is a day that is created in balance. There are as many hours of light as there are of darkness. The high energies of summer mellow into the more introspective energies of autumn. It is time to harvest what sustains us--releasing back into the Earth the things that don't serve us. Life has light and darkness just as this day does. We only see the shining moon because of the light of the sun.

This is a good weekend to consider the dichotomy within ourselves. Letting go of what might be holding us back from reaching the goals we set earlier this year. That can be internally, such as thought patterns, negative self-talk, excuses, fear, and doubt. It can also be environmentally, revisiting the feng shui of your living spaces, paying close attention to the Knowledge & Self-Cultivation area, one of the most yin areas of your home. This is a great space for introspection and intuition. Truly, taking a feng shui tour of all areas of your home will cause you to reconnect with the intentions you have in all areas of your life in order to examine if you're on the right path for the highest success and happiness.

I'm going to spend tomorrow in my bedroom closet, tucking the summer clothes away, giving this little space a good cleaning and letting it breathe for a bit. Then I'll mindfully put the clothes that fit and flatter me back in in respectable order.

It's also a good time to revisit any goals you set and to check in on your progress. I did this for myself and kind of giggled at what I thought was of top importance last January. Life has a way of spinning me on my own axis, and man has it! I'm on track with a lot of what I wanted to accomplish, and some items I am scratching right off my list. Of course, I have new objectives that were not on my horizon nine months ago--and that's okay! It's a great time to charge myself up with things that motivate me right now while still working toward the more enduring achievements I'm striving for.

And I'm proud of where I am on this day rooted in balance. Acknowledging the hard work you have done and the ground that you've covered is vital. Celebrate your victories, and today let go of your shortcomings. Get outside and put your feet on the Earth, understanding the connection we have to the rhythms of the seasons. If it's raining where you are tonight, which I believe it is in many areas of the U.S., step outside and enjoy a few minutes in the cleansing power of the rain. And smile!

Refrigerator Love

The other day I dedicated 20 minutes to someone that works hard every day for me and my family. She endures the stress of us pulling and hanging on her, and she keeps us safely nourished and hydrated. She helps us get going first thing in the morning and can provide us a little comfort late at night. She's big and strong and cool.

Cleaning my refrigerator is like a ritual. It's an act of gratitude. This is how we need to treat all of our belongings, and our appliances are of optimum importance in Feng Shui. The kitchen itself is the hub of our homes these days. Not only are they the room where we go for storing, preparing, and eating our food, we use our kitchens to gather, to do homework, to pay bills, and to play games. A lot of creativity happens in a kitchen.

In Feng Shui the kitchen, and specifically our appliances, represent prosperity and well-being. The stove is of the utmost importance. Keep your stove sparkling clean, use all the burners, replace missing knobs, and keep it in good working order--that's the recipe for good finances. If your faucet is leaking, that can me a metaphor for money slowly trickling out of your bank account. Do you have funky stuff growing in a tupperware container in the back of your fridge? If so, take care of it and see if your health improves a little bit. Want to clear your head and feel a little less stressed? Pull out the all-natural all-purpose cleaner and scrape the splatters and spills out of your microwave.

It may sound a little out-there to think that the condition in which you keep your kitchen appliances can reflect on the quality of your life, but you know how good you feel when it all gets a deep cleaning. It's renewing and refreshing, and even inspiring! It makes me want to open up a cookbook and create something new. A kitchen nourishes the body and the soul. Treat it and everything that is in it with tender loving care. That energy will come back to you.

9/12 Steps Toward Peace on Earth

Yesterday marked ten years since the 9/11 attack on the United States. I remember I was sitting on the couch with my sweet baby girl (she was about 11 weeks old) watching Matt Lauer interview someone (could you imagine if that was you he was interviewing?) when he stopped to let us know about the first plane. We all know how the rest of that day went. I couldn't wait for my husband to get home from work so we could all be together. As long as we were together it was all going to be alright. I think we even took the dog with us to the local pub to watch what was happening while surrounded by our neighbors. Sharing in this terrible moment in history made me feel a little bit better, a little bit safer.

And then there was September 12. The next day. A new day. We knew a little bit about what had happened but the uncertainty was still there. Things were different...for all Americans. I remember looking at people and feeling connected to them because we shared this day. We were all part of a club--a club that no one wants to join but definitely unites and bonds us together. I looked at people and wondered if they knew someone who perished that day. Maybe they were married to a firefighter. Did they have family far away that they wouldn't see for a long time because they were going to be too afraid to fly in a plane? Were they a Middle Eastern American who would feel discriminated against or judged from now on? Did they look at me and wonder if I doubted my decision to bring a baby in to such a scary world?

Today is September 12. Resemblances of ten years ago linger for me today. We won't ever be the same. But if we can look at strangers on the street and consider their suffering, their fears, their love, their hopes, and their humanity then that is a step toward making this world a better place.

I'm starting with myself. I pledge to be gentle with myself. I know that I am a good person and that most days I do my best at all I endeavor to achieve--the important stuff, anyway. I'm looking at my family and remembering that although we're part of the same family unit we are individuals, each with different challenges and aspirations. My community will be a little bit stronger when I remember that although my neighbor's life looks a lot like mine, I've never walked in their shoes. By embracing each American's right to their own opinions, lifestyles, and choices I am making this great country just a bit more harmonious. And acknowledging that we were all put here on this planet for a reason, and that we all have the potential to fuel our lives with love rather than hate...that will bring a little bit more peace on Earth.

Imagine if we ALL did that?

How to Gain Freedom by Working the To-Do List

A lot of people I know have been tackling "projects" lately. These projects tend to be laborsome, not always fun jobs around the house that just need to get done. We have a list, mental or hard-copy, of these things that are weighing on us. The places in our home that drive us crazy. They make us sigh or scream whenever we are in that space, and we swear we are going to do something about this! As soon as I have time...as soon as I get my bonus...as soon as the kids are in school...as soon as...

What if you knew that the energy of that space was directly related to your health? Would you deal with that project sooner if you knew it could help your migraines? Or what if you knew that the energy of that space was directly related to your career? Would it become more of a priority if you knew it could help you get out from under the pile of busy work you have to do so you could be more efficient and affective, doing the work that you enjoy?

Let's make a list of some of those projects--I'll just take a look at projects that are/have been bogging me down:

- closets: organizing and purging

- yard: clearing out debris and generally tidying and cleaning up

- car: vacuuming and removal of kid-related rubbish

- pantry: tossing expired/stale items, cooking with what I have

- playroom: sorting toys to be donated, toys to throw away, reintroducing old toys to spark new creativity in the kids

I could go on, and I know you have your own lists that are scrolling through your brain. Remember the last time you started AND COMPLETED one of these projects? How GOOD does that feel?! It helps us breathe a little deeper, stand a little taller, and think a little clearer when we devote our energy and intention to delving in to these spaces and clearing them out. What if you knew by doing this you would feel less stressed? You will!

I find that Mondays are a day when people start anew. What I want you to do today is pick one of your projects, make it a manageable one (I'm not talking paint the house or something major like that--unless you're really ambitious and driven to do it!). Give yourself a deadline. I'm going to help you--your deadline is this Sunday at 1:00pm. Now take a look at your calendar. Can you start today? Find the pockets of time you have in the next week and write your project on your calendar. Keep in mind that you are doing this for your own well-being. Dedicating time to this is a gift to yourself, even if it's not the most enjoyable exercise to go through. The next step is big--DO IT. You may live in disarray for a bit since this is probably something that can't be completed in one sitting. Active chaos is much better than inactive chaos, and the end product is worth the mess.

Take a before picture for me, then at 1:00 on Sunday step back and look. Then close your eyes and take a deep breath and realize that even though your eyes are closed you can still FEEL a difference. Smile, and pour yourself a mimosa, a coffee, a bloody mary, a beer, a milkshake, a green tea, an ice water with lemon, whatever your celebratory treat may be and be thankful to yourself for the gift you've just given and received.

I bet by this time next week you'll be reading my next blog feeling a little lighter and a bit more prepared to tackle the week that lies ahead.

Happy Feng Shui'ing!