Our Character is Our Legacy

I am a seeker. I am on a quest to become a better person each day and to be of service during my time here. In recent weeks I have been struggling with what it is that I contribute. In reality, I've been struggling with this for years. Socrates said "an unexamined life is not worth living" and I do feel my experiences are richer and my life feels more meaningful since I've been living with more intention. Still, when I pause to look at my world I wonder if I am deserving of such abundance. I have a beautiful family and we're all healthy, I have a lovely home, I have resources to do the things I love, I have support from so many angles, and I have an open mind with which to explore. I'd like to think that my good fortune is some sort of karmic justice, but I am far from flawless. What am I to learn from the challenges and hardships I'm faced with? How do I find the positive and spread that to those I touch?

I lost a friend over the weekend. A woman I will remember as being a vibrant force with a voracious laugh, bounding energy, and an authentic, loving heart. I don't know much about her career or other accomplishments other than people were attracted to her and she had troves of friends. Her impact during her limited 40-years here was undeniable. If for no other reason than she was a true and loyal friend. And that counts! That counts MORE than anything else I would argue.

I don't ask why as my faith gives me the peace of knowing there is a greater plan. As non-violent as I am, however, if cancer were an animate object that could be obliterated wholly and completely, I would go ballistic on it's ass. But what is the great plan for me? Am I living up to whatever expectations my higher power has for me? Maybe there are no expectations--maybe it's up to me to determine what my highest potential is and to go for it, and be content.

This weekend also brought me two very proud moments that made me feel good about the work I do, as staying positive and being open are often hard work. They may seem simple and small in the grand scheme of the work that has to be done on this planet, but I took them as little messages that I'm on the right path. First, after selling a concert ticket to a 20-something on craigslist I got a phone call from him. He expressed his gratitude for sharing what I had with him, knowing I had taken a loss in the sale. He was inspired by my husband and my excitement for him to enjoy this event and wanted to assure me that selling this to him was a good deed--that the opportunity was well-timed and much appreciated. This kid's efforts to make me see my smallest acts as being impactful on others was such a gift to me.

Secondly, a neighborhood kid who has a reputation as being troubled and a bully knocked on our door. He said his parents were arguing again so he walked down to our house in the rain. He played with the kids for a while then we all played a board game. When I found out about the loss of my friend he asked why I was sad. I explained what happened and he softened and came to give me a hug. This little boy who has hardships of his own came to comfort me. To have a home that feels safe for other people and to share that kind of compassion in this space I've created was another gift for me to realize.

I think feeling unworthy of this beautiful life is one of my flaws to correct. We are ALL worthy--worthy of the very best that we can create in our imagination. None of us are perfect, and sometimes bad things happen to really good people. Our intentions are what change the vibration surrounding us and even when those inevitable challenges or the suffering enters our reality, it's how we respond that builds our character. And our character is our legacy. The choices I make now will be the basis for what my loved ones are talking about when my time comes. I'm choosing to operate from a place of gratitude and love. With that I hope to be guided to wherever I can make a positive impact, no matter how small.

Battle Scars & Beauty

I saw a beautiful showing of art today about the relationship between mother and child, interpreted through the mother's self-reflective point of view. Without getting too much in to it, besides to say that if you live in Atlanta you should absolutely go see it, as all great art does, I'll say that it got me thinking. It got me thinking about a lot of things, in a different way than I'd thought about things in a while. It was one of those experiences where 10 minutes after leaving the exhibit, while driving on the highway on my way home, I started weeping. Weeping at the realization that -- I'm not alone.

All those deep dark feelings and yearnings I have, I'm not the only one. The land I live in so many hours of my life, part fairy tale/part reality tv show, is not in isolation. You know what it got me thinking about? Risk. I have been a Mama for just shy of 11 years. I have 3 children all in elementary school for 7 hours a day. I'm dreaming again--like realistic, I could really do this type dreams. Like, "I want to accomplish this", "I want to create this for real" type of dreams. When the kids were smaller, maybe 2, 3-1/2, and 5, I was dreaming of Caribbean beach towns. I was dreaming of freedom and liberation. Those dreams got me through the day. Now my aspirations include things like starting a business, buying real estate, changing what my daily routine has looked like for the past decade -- risky stuff!

But what is more risky than motherhood? One minute you're responsible for yourself, and maybe a dog. The next minute, you pee on a stick and you're responsible for this being growing inside you. Whatever you do to yourself, you do to this person. You are it's shelter, it's nourishment, it's protection. You body does not belong to you alone anymore--you have a 10 month tenant.

I remember being in Mexico a couple of months before my first child was born. I was rocking my little maternity bikini, feeling good about my body. I pointed out a spot on my stomach that I thought was a bruise, until my husband so graciously advised me that it was a stretch mark. Oh boy. This tenant was damaging the place and I had no security deposit for repairs! Well, I proceeded to watch my belly grow to, what, 20 times it's size? Not just that once, but three times over the course of three years. And my boobs--my poor boobs. Engorged, raw, deflated...they worked hard during their cumulative 20 months of nursing, and they have now checked in for a life of permanent relaxation.

I now have 3 precious children that are my responsibility. It's my job to keep them healthy and safe. Their security lies in my hands. Holding your newborn baby for the first time quickly alerts you to the reality that this person is depending on you completely. Yikes! THAT is scary! Forget buying a rental property--that's nothing compared to what I signed up for by bringing these 3 people in to the world.

So I walk around and notice all the Moms out there. We're so brave! We're living our life out in this body with sagging skin, scars, and extra weight, doing kegels so we don't pee ourselves. We sacrifice our bodies, our memories, our free time, our careers, our vibrancy, and our sporty cars. Maybe not all of us, or maybe not all at once. But becoming a mother is risky business and the weak need not apply. Even if you start out unsure, the ferociousness emerges.

I'd like to think that our pride in this role gives us a new kind of sex appeal. A strength and vitality that draws people to us. I do glance down the tempting path of "getting the physical stuff fixed," but then I see an art exhibit or a pregnant mama, or I look at myself with a little more love and acceptance and tell myself that these are my battle scars. Beauty comes from within so make sure you're glossy and glittery from the inside first. And maybe that will be enough.

9/12 Steps Toward Peace on Earth

Yesterday marked ten years since the 9/11 attack on the United States. I remember I was sitting on the couch with my sweet baby girl (she was about 11 weeks old) watching Matt Lauer interview someone (could you imagine if that was you he was interviewing?) when he stopped to let us know about the first plane. We all know how the rest of that day went. I couldn't wait for my husband to get home from work so we could all be together. As long as we were together it was all going to be alright. I think we even took the dog with us to the local pub to watch what was happening while surrounded by our neighbors. Sharing in this terrible moment in history made me feel a little bit better, a little bit safer.

And then there was September 12. The next day. A new day. We knew a little bit about what had happened but the uncertainty was still there. Things were different...for all Americans. I remember looking at people and feeling connected to them because we shared this day. We were all part of a club--a club that no one wants to join but definitely unites and bonds us together. I looked at people and wondered if they knew someone who perished that day. Maybe they were married to a firefighter. Did they have family far away that they wouldn't see for a long time because they were going to be too afraid to fly in a plane? Were they a Middle Eastern American who would feel discriminated against or judged from now on? Did they look at me and wonder if I doubted my decision to bring a baby in to such a scary world?

Today is September 12. Resemblances of ten years ago linger for me today. We won't ever be the same. But if we can look at strangers on the street and consider their suffering, their fears, their love, their hopes, and their humanity then that is a step toward making this world a better place.

I'm starting with myself. I pledge to be gentle with myself. I know that I am a good person and that most days I do my best at all I endeavor to achieve--the important stuff, anyway. I'm looking at my family and remembering that although we're part of the same family unit we are individuals, each with different challenges and aspirations. My community will be a little bit stronger when I remember that although my neighbor's life looks a lot like mine, I've never walked in their shoes. By embracing each American's right to their own opinions, lifestyles, and choices I am making this great country just a bit more harmonious. And acknowledging that we were all put here on this planet for a reason, and that we all have the potential to fuel our lives with love rather than hate...that will bring a little bit more peace on Earth.

Imagine if we ALL did that?

I am a student of LIFE

My best friend is back at the college campus where we met (gulp) 20 years ago, this time starting up her Masters Program. She is walking around campus watching the parents drop off their child at their dorm, or their first apartment, or their last year at the sorority house. We got nostalgic about the old bars we frequented and the parties we attended. To think back to that time and consider how naive I was. These kids that are arriving at college think they know it all. Leaving the nest and vying in the real world on their own for the first time. Man, I learned a lot in those 4 years. A year and a half in the Business School, two and a half years in the School of Human Development, and 4 solid years in the School of Learn From Your Mistakes.

That period of our lives, in our late teens and early twenties are so full of learning. I look at my elementary school-aged kids now and am amazed at their propensity for grasping new concepts. And we've all heard how toddlers can pick up a second language so much easier than anyone else. My friend is in her late 30's and is embarking on this next level of higher education--knowing so much more than she did when she was in college a couple decades ago. Reflecting on my own life I marvel at how I have changed and grown since becoming a mother 10 years ago. Ten years from now I'll have three children leaving my nest and commencing the stage of learning that only happens by jumping in with both feet. Whoa--scary! (For Mom!) But it's a necessary part of life. Thank goodness they have me to prepare them for it now ;).

Life IS learning. We are on this planet for a finite amount of time and our task is to learn and grow. I know people who didn't go to college but have had experiences that make them some of the wisest people I know. In turn, I know people with a couple of degrees who I wonder if "they'll ever learn." Not everyone is open to receive the teaching in what life offers us every day. That is what I want to foster in my kids. The inquisitiveness to question, the receptivity to accept, and the humility to know that there is always something new to gain, something to help us become wiser, kinder, happier, and higher.