I was looking through some of my old electronic folders in my computer and ran across this journal entry I typed in August of 2006. My kids were 5, 3-1/2, and 2, none of them in Elementary school yet. And the end of the summer--always a low point for me. I'm just run-down by that point.

Am I a control freak? Am I too selfish? I want to drink my coffee and start my day peacefully. I want my kids to play together, not fight every chance they get. I want them to talk to one another instead of dealing with everything through their hands. Continuously throughout my day I am breaking up fights, scolding one or all three, time-outs, creatively taking away privileges. And the crying. It seems to never stop. How can a mom listen to her three children cry so much and still maintain her composure? Did I not discipline them enough? Do I know exhibit enough love? Am I thinking about myself too much and what would make me happy?

Deep down I know that they are better off for having me at home and not working. They all 3 would be at daycare from 8-6 every day. They wouldn’t know each other as they do. Maybe they also wouldn’t fight this way. They are bored. I don’t do enough to entertain them. They watch too much TV. At least they sleep well.

Why do I feel so strong on some days and so terribly weak on others? What makes the difference? Is it my hormonal cycle? Is it what I ate or how much water I drank the day before? Is it how I wake up in the morning? What would happen if I turned off the TV right now? How long would it take for all hell to break lose? Is this mothering?

They are getting older. It’s getting easier. They will be reasonable some day. Some day. “Before you know it”. I feel like I’m hovering near the bottom right now and it’s hard to come up to a content level of existence. There is going to be something bad that happens that sends me plummeting…and I can’t see something so good happening that it will lift me up. So I can try to talk myself up onto the little cloud of happy mommydome, but I’m learning as hard as I try I don’t have full control over these things. And something bad will happen to push me back down. That is so negative. I know that doesn’t work. I know it is up to me to create my own happiness. Forget about the coffee. Forget about the peace. Take a deep breath and smile at the kids. Let them hug me and climb all over me. Then take your time. Be deliberate with your movements. Be selective with your words. Start rallying them up now so you’re not rushing. Take a deep breath. Look into their eyes and remember when they were babies.

And eat well today, drink lots of water, be very mindful at yoga, don’t try to do too much. Accept today for what it has to offer. And take another deep breath.

I found this as I was working on my 2010 goals. It's good for me to read. It's good for me to embrace that motherhood has not changed so much for me in those 3-1/2 years, and to look ahead 3-1/2 years when the kids are 12, 10-1/2, and 9--I could probably write the same journal entry. They'll be fighting, they'll be physical, I won't be in complete control of my environment. It will also be important for me to stop what I'm doing and let the kids climb all over me. I'll need to be mindful in yoga, and slow down, and look at my kids while smiling as I remember them as babies.

I'm curious to know--if you have little ones now, do you feel similarly? If your kids are a bit older, maybe middle-school aged, do I have it right?

My mantra for this year is "I'm already there." This is meant to remind me that I can't look into the future and say things are going to be better "when..." I am already there. Now is what matters, and my world looks exactly as it needs to look in order for me to be happy and content. If I remember that now, tomorrow is going to be so much better than I could imagine anyway.

peace, love, and retrospection...