What a week can do

I'm happy, it's true. I think when my kids were younger, like babies, was the last time I wasn't happy. And of course, it's not that I didn't love them or wasn't appreciative of the life I have. I just wasn't happy. What used to be so physically demanding with 3 kids born within 3 years of each other is now mentally fatiguing. Besides keeping up with the schedules, commitments, homework, projects, and to-do lists, it's the conversations I'm having with my kids as well. I always wanted to be the mom who snuggles with their kids and talks through their problems with them. But these things require thinking and delicate wording. And I think about them when they're not with me and wonder how they're handling a challenging relationship or if they're practicing good self-control. I want to check in with them and see how thing are going--I want to stay on top of the things that are important to them in their lives. In many ways, I'm forced to be more in the moment than ever before.

I used to have the calendar for at least the next week programmed in my brain. I started packing for a trip a week before we left. I had our summer schedule sketched out to be sure we wouldn't miss registration for summer camp. These days it's so much more day-by-day. With babies it's day-by-day too, but I got through it by planning for the fun stuff ahead. Now I'm running out for road snacks the night before a trip for which I have no detailed itinerary. And I realize that all of that is just fine! But it's new...it's a new normal for me, and it takes some getting used to.

If I were to compare it to a corporate job, it's like I've been reassigned to a new team. Still working for the same great organization, still drinking the same Kool-aid, I just need to learn a new set of standard practices. And in doing so, I need to stay grounded and not let the days and weeks escape me in the flurry of activity.

I've gotten back in to my yoga practice which has been so helpful to me. You know, I started to panic a little when I saw Susie Orman telling me on the TV that I'll never have enough money to retire or send my kids to college. And reading in one of my magazines that unless I commit to 30 minutes of vigorous cardio exercise at least 5 days a week I can plan on gaining at least 5 pounds every year from here on out. AAAHHHH!! What are we doing this all for?!

Then this divine yoga instructor tells me to work on pulling my rib cage in. That's it. So that's what I've been doing. I've been mindful of my rib cage--and it feels so wonderful! I can do something! I can do something for me, right now, that feels good and will make my life better moving forward. Each day as I motor through all the commitments that I have made (for myself and for each of the rest of my family for whom I make commitments), I must do something for me. I must quiet my mind and reflect on where I am in this journey. I must listen to my children with all my heart. I must make choices that leave the most of me accessible to my little tribe. And I must be willing to let some things go. I feel like for many weeks I just haven't been aware of the state I was in. Now that I know better, I'm going to do better. Just knowing that makes me feel so empowered.