I just went to see the movie Eat, Pray, Love and my mind is swimming with ideas. The stand-out concept that is sticking out to me is "self-indulgence." This blog itself is self-indulgence for me because I get to hash out all the little conversations I have in my head, as if I'm speaking with another person. The exercise of writing has always helped me make clear the cluttered nature of my thoughts.
So I'm going to assume you've read Eat, Pray, Love because, well, everyone has. Or should. And if you haven't I'm sure you'll still follow. Liz goes to Italy and eats with free-abandon. She goes to India and wallows in her loneliness. She goes to Bali and learns that giving to herself is not a shameful thing. I heard critiques that Liz had such a good life and had so much to be grateful for--why was she so miserable? Well, she was. We can have a life full of beautiful, precious, and priceless people/things/experiences but only we know, deep down in our soul, if we have what we need to truly be happy. It is brave to walk away from everything comfortable and safe when you're on the quest for your own happiness. And happiness doesn't even seem like the right word, because we can be happy for sure in our lives, but not know that place, that inner peace, that calm that shines from within. It is in us--in all of us--and we don't need to travel the world to find it. Of course, that was the point of the book, if you chose to see it that way.
(quest quote from movie/book in Bali)
As I was sipping my coffee this morning my husband came to kiss me goodbye and asked what I was up to for the day. I hesitated, wondering if I should be nonchalant and tell I didn't know, I was going to take care of things, I was still deciding...going to the movies at 10:20 in the morning while the kids were at school sounded too self-indulgent. But I was honest and I told him, and I sensed a slight bit of "oh, must be nice." I told him to have a good day and he replied "I'll try." So the justifications start in my head: he just got back from a road trip with his brother, I've been working hard on PTA and household finance stuff, I'll make sure the laundry is put away and I cook dinner tonight. So off I go to the mall, buy my ticket, popcorn, and diet Coke (quite the indulgent breakfast!) and walk in to the theater to see, of course, 5 other women that look just like me. Moms no doubt, big purses, cell phones, diet Cokes (that's why they have a 10:20 movie on a weekday anyway, isn't it? Come on.). So I watch the movie (which was good but the book was way better, again, of course) and when it's over I walk out and turn my cell phone back on to see a text "can u talk right now?" from my husband. Oh shit. The movie on a Thursday morning was too much. I shouldn't have told him--I should have been vague. Oh well, he'll have to deal with it. Unless--oh wait--maybe someone got hurt, maybe there's so drama. What did I miss in the 2 hours and 13 minutes I was in the theater indulging in a movie?
His voice was very chipper when I called him. He was on his way to pick up a couple friends and head down to the baseball game where he would enjoy an afternoon drinking beer and eating peanuts right behind home plate for free! How INDULGENT of him on a Thursday afternoon! I didn't care--how great is it that those tickets were offered to him and the timing worked out with his job that he could take advantage of this good fortune? Hooray for him! Then I realized, he felt the same way about me when I told him I was going to a movie. I heard envy in his voice this morning but it wasn't really there. That disapproving voice came within myself, not from him. I could spend the whole day in the spa, have lunch and wine with girlfriends, and buy myself some new jewelry after going kayaking on the river and he'd be happy for me. It reminds me of the part of the story when the Italian barber is talking about Americans. He said we know about entertainment but we don't know about pleasure. We deny ourselves the right to experience pleasure, in even the most simple things! I had fresh blueberries over organic low fat vanilla yogurt yesterday and I ate it slowly and mindfully and although I was by myself in my kitchen I still let out an audible mmmmm. Food, wine, sex, music, shoes, exercise, laughter, sunlight, rain, lip gloss, scotch, linens, lotion, grass, mud, hammocks, kissing, pets, kids, art, candles, coffee, cheese, sleep. So many opportunities for pleasure throughout each and every day. We just have to stop and appreciate them! And allow ourselves to feel indulgent, and know that we are worthy of it. I'm glowing just thinking about it!!
So I guess my point is, and the resolution to all the swarming and contradicting thoughts in my head is, self-indulgence is okay, and let me even say necessary! And being grateful for what you have, truly grateful, but still searching within yourself to find that spark that ignites your soul is okay, and is necessary. This energy is contagious, and it's calming. It doesn't have to come at the expense of something else, and shame or guilt are not a part of this equation. Self-indulgence is not an evil thing. Now, I'm going to go slice some cucumber and pull some mint from my herb garden to put in a glass of ice water on this steamy Georgia afternoon. I'm going to hug my kids, help them with their homework, put away some laundry, and fix dinner. I am so grateful to recognize today how self-indulgent every day of my life is if I look at it all with gratitude.
peace, love, and dark chocolate (I can't believe I forgot dark chocolate)...
No comments:
Post a Comment