Memories Can't Be Chosen

I've just concluded my 9th summer of being a Mom. This year I had 11 weeks with my 9-year old, 7-year old, and 6-year old. The time was filled with lots of travel, family, swimming, video games, birthday parties...so much fun that much of it is a blur to me now. I step back and take a deep breath, a little bit grateful that it's all over and we can get back to our routine. For my kids though, these will be some of their first memories.

I remember counting to 100 for my kindergarten teacher. I remember when my parents told me we were adding a third child to the family. I remember walking home during the blizzard of '78 and getting stuck in the snow. There are a million memories between then and now that influence me, consciously or unconsciously, on a daily basis. My experiences make me who I am.

My choices also make me who I am. The life I have lived up to this moment cannot be changed and to sit with myself, I can say I am a fortunate woman who has been given great opportunities, much love, and an abundance of blessings. The choices I make from this moment on will create the life I one day, years from now, will look back on with contemplation again. If I close my eyes and float myself forward on the number line 10 years, I can't even imagine the memories that will have been implanted in my soul. I know that I will be a richer, deeper woman.

Thinking of my children, their young lives, and these early memories that will be their first--losing a tooth in Alaska, hours of water slides and roller coasters, fireworks over the beach at Nana-the-Great's house--I am giving them experiences that will influence who they become. Will they remember that they fought about where they would sit every time they got in the car? Will they recall the dilly-dallying, the messy rooms, the broken electronics? Maybe. Maybe not. Will they remember that Mom was always yelling as we pulled out of the driveway (because no one could pick a seat), or that Dad was frustrated with them a lot (because everything should have it's place, and that's NOT on the kitchen floor)? Maybe. Maybe not.

I can't pick and chose what becomes part of the fiber of their being. The only thing that I can control is my own behavior. The choices I make not only play a role in the person I become, my choices affect the people that my children will become. When they look back at their mother, from their first memories and throughout their upbringing, what will that look like? I think it's a good exercise to go through. I can guarantee that the picture I'd like them to have is very similar to the picture I would like to see for myself.

We sometimes sacrifice little pieces of happiness in our lives in the name of something we deem more important. What we need to realize is that making the choice to give that up not only lessens our chances of living a full life, which we find justifications for all the time, it alters the experience of those around us. We are all connected. If we act from our hearts and our spirits with pure intentions for ourselves the goal of a full, happy life then we are giving our children permission to do the same for themselves. Isn't that something we all wish for our children?

I am not always guided by the light that is within me, but I want to be. I'm realizing that one of the best ways for me to teach my children to recognize and follow that light is to work to do it myself. Why we make excuses or devalue this process for ourselves I don't know. I think it's part ego and the influences of society and worldly things. It's easier to say we want this state of grace for our children, but you know what? There is enough for all of us.

I want my children to remember a laughing Mommy. I want them to have memories of physical affection and unwavering support. I want them to remember parents who were united and loving. I want them to have memories of their mother explaining that even she gets sad sometimes, but always knowing that life is good. Memories of their mom snatching them up in her arms and saying "I'm sorry for losing my temper--I could have done better." This is the role I can take in the lives that are being woven under this roof. These are the choices that I can make. Because as a dear friend recently reminded me,

Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be......

peace, love, and precious memories...