Heavy Things

Heavy things have been happening lately. I'm talking big life transitional things. I'm talking the biggest life transition--from life on this earth to the next phase. I had two close family members pass within 3 days of each other. I flew home to New England to be with my mom, siblings, cousins, and aunts and uncles. As happy as I was to be surrounded by those beloved people during that time, I craved the closeness of my husband. In the two weeks following that time back home, I learned of five other deaths in the lives of people close to me. Two precious dogs of friends have died this week. What in heavens is going on?

I know that the energies of the past year have been rocky and tumultuous. The state of the economy is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the unsteadiness of the past year (and beyond). There has been a general sense of instability, of anxiety. The energies that are being ushered in now for the upcoming year are supposed to be more abiding, more calm.

We have been huddled up under our blankets and in front of our fires for months. Where I am we haven't seen as much sun as we typically would, even for this time of year. The air has been damp and heavy. The earth is dense and wet. My yard is covered with branches from the wind on the already stressed an brittle trees. But spring is coming. The seasons are one of the few things that we can count of for sure. Change is inevitable, and the seasons remind us of that. Before too long the sprouts will start showing up on the bushes, the birds will start visiting our backyard, and my favorite vine will turn green again, preparing for the bloom of it's gorgeous aromatic purple flowers. The sun will warm the ground, the kids will play outside again, we can open the doors and let the fresh breeze waft through the house. I keep telling myself that this day is coming. I try to close my eyes and visualize it. I have been shopping for sundresses! But I step outside and I am reminded of the heaviness that still surrounds me, that is still within me.

I need to allow myself to feel. To feel the sadness and reality of what has been happening. It is all outside of my control. I can't affect these events. These are heavy things that evoke true emotion. That aching deep within me that I can't shut off by saying "everything is going to be okay." I know that everything is, in fact, going to be okay, and I know that feeling this pain and sorrow is natural and necessary. I am just allowing myself to feel it, with hope that as the spring creeps in to each morning a little at a time, so will this feeling fade.

And I need to let go of the desire to figure it all out. I've been seeking some explanation for why this has all been happening in this short span of time. What does this mean for me? I need to just sit and surrender to the place of not knowing. That is where my faith comes in. Faith that there is a larger plan, beyond anything I can attempt to explain or justify. I know that I will be taken care of. I know my children and my husband will be taken care of. I want to soften and open my heart so I can receive the lesson or message that will guide me through this upcoming time of new life, new beginnings, and out of this cold, dark, heavy time. I won't forget this period or the people who have passed, but there is growth on the other side.

I woke up this morning and closed my eyes, bare feet on the mossy ground, breathing chilled air through my nose, and I listened to the birds. Chatting back and forth to one another--I wonder what they were saying? I was happy to hear them again. Their chatter fills me with hope.

peace, love, and tiny green shoots...