Heavy Things

Heavy things have been happening lately. I'm talking big life transitional things. I'm talking the biggest life transition--from life on this earth to the next phase. I had two close family members pass within 3 days of each other. I flew home to New England to be with my mom, siblings, cousins, and aunts and uncles. As happy as I was to be surrounded by those beloved people during that time, I craved the closeness of my husband. In the two weeks following that time back home, I learned of five other deaths in the lives of people close to me. Two precious dogs of friends have died this week. What in heavens is going on?

I know that the energies of the past year have been rocky and tumultuous. The state of the economy is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the unsteadiness of the past year (and beyond). There has been a general sense of instability, of anxiety. The energies that are being ushered in now for the upcoming year are supposed to be more abiding, more calm.

We have been huddled up under our blankets and in front of our fires for months. Where I am we haven't seen as much sun as we typically would, even for this time of year. The air has been damp and heavy. The earth is dense and wet. My yard is covered with branches from the wind on the already stressed an brittle trees. But spring is coming. The seasons are one of the few things that we can count of for sure. Change is inevitable, and the seasons remind us of that. Before too long the sprouts will start showing up on the bushes, the birds will start visiting our backyard, and my favorite vine will turn green again, preparing for the bloom of it's gorgeous aromatic purple flowers. The sun will warm the ground, the kids will play outside again, we can open the doors and let the fresh breeze waft through the house. I keep telling myself that this day is coming. I try to close my eyes and visualize it. I have been shopping for sundresses! But I step outside and I am reminded of the heaviness that still surrounds me, that is still within me.

I need to allow myself to feel. To feel the sadness and reality of what has been happening. It is all outside of my control. I can't affect these events. These are heavy things that evoke true emotion. That aching deep within me that I can't shut off by saying "everything is going to be okay." I know that everything is, in fact, going to be okay, and I know that feeling this pain and sorrow is natural and necessary. I am just allowing myself to feel it, with hope that as the spring creeps in to each morning a little at a time, so will this feeling fade.

And I need to let go of the desire to figure it all out. I've been seeking some explanation for why this has all been happening in this short span of time. What does this mean for me? I need to just sit and surrender to the place of not knowing. That is where my faith comes in. Faith that there is a larger plan, beyond anything I can attempt to explain or justify. I know that I will be taken care of. I know my children and my husband will be taken care of. I want to soften and open my heart so I can receive the lesson or message that will guide me through this upcoming time of new life, new beginnings, and out of this cold, dark, heavy time. I won't forget this period or the people who have passed, but there is growth on the other side.

I woke up this morning and closed my eyes, bare feet on the mossy ground, breathing chilled air through my nose, and I listened to the birds. Chatting back and forth to one another--I wonder what they were saying? I was happy to hear them again. Their chatter fills me with hope.

peace, love, and tiny green shoots...

Experiences & Relationships

Experiences and relationships. These are the two most important things for me to have on my life's chart. Six months after my youngest child started elementary school I'm still struggling with the stay-at-home thing. In my head my value is so attached to my contribution, and I am having a hard time letting go of the idea that this has to be monetary. I've toyed around with different "jobs" I could do--feng shui consultant, marketing assistant, nanny, caterer, cheese girl at Whole Foods. But then I consider the sacrifices I would need to make in order to make me feel like I'm making this kind of contribution.

My husband and I made a decision a long time ago that I was going to be the mom that was home with the kids when they were little, and was there to get them off the bus as they got older. I am the one that takes them to their sports and music classes, doctors appointments and the park on sunny afternoons. My husband does his share of all of these things as well (he made a decision to be a very involved dad). But I sacrificed a career so my children could have a parent to do these things for them. No one way is better than another, but this is what my husband and I wanted for ourselves and for our family. And for me it was an easy decision. My college roommate reminded me the other day that this is what I've always wanted to do. How did I manage to forget that?

I am giving my children the opportunity to have really cool experiences of their own. And I am having the full experience of being their mother. That fills me up! Financially right now, I don't need to have a job. Would it make things easier sometimes? Yes! But we are fortunate right now that my husband makes a fine living--and he doesn't have to sacrifice to do it! He is pretty flexible with his hours, he's excited about what he does, he has to travel very little, and he's home at a decent hour every night. So I think, if it's not to help support our family financially, why would I give up this wonderful job of full-time motherhood for a paying job?

I am a creative person. I was steered down a path of business when I was headed to college. After college I found a nice balance of business and creative in marketing. I never considered being an artist or a musician or a dancer. But looking at myself now, 15 years after graduating, those vocations seem much more in alignment with who I am. I am energized by the study and practice of feng shui, and I can see making a job of this in the time I am not with my children. To think of spending this same time in an office job makes me feel the exact opposite. So I guess what I'm saying is that I can envision having a balance of work and mothering, but as long as it's not driven by a need to provide, it has to be in alignment with my spirit.

I had the honor of writing the first draft of my uncle's obituary recently; to write a brief snapshot of a 66 year life. Not quite sure where to begin, I conducted some research on the internet. The standard format for a traditional obituary is to list the name and age of the deceased, where they were from, and then right on in to their occupation and professional accomplishments. My uncle worked, when the work was available, as a pilot--totally in alignment with his spirit. It made me ponder how my life could be summed up in this traditional format.

My life is rich with experiences. I find things that make me feel joyful and I do them. I am engaged with my three gorgeous children every day. I life in a beautiful part of the world and I take advantage of what resources are available to me locally. I enjoy a lifestyle that the majority of people in the world can never experience (this too I was reminded of by a dear friend). I'm living the American dream, right? What on earth do I have to complain about? Would bringing home a paycheck really make me feel like a complete person? How does it make my husband feel when I tell him I am not fulfilled in my life? What more could I want?

I am changing my perspective. I talk a lot about living with gratitude, but I haven't been fully walking that walk. I am now focused on being thankful for my LIFE, as it is right now. I have to make some difficult choices, but they are nothing compared to the choices many need to make every single day. And when someone sits down to reflect on my life, there will be a long list of experiences that will spark memories for many. But the gems in my life are the relationships I have made through living it. This is what I want my legacy to be. The things I have done, and will do, are great, but I've met really wonderful people along the way. I've touched people's lives, and they have touched mine. Sharing life's moments with others is the true gift.

At this point in time, I am living a vibrant, balanced, blessed, and authentic life. I pray that I can continue to do this as I venture in to my feng shui consulting, as challenges arise (as they always do), if my talents are needed for financial support of my family, as I am inspired to have new experiences, and as life changes. The only true constant is change, and I aspire to live graciously through it all.