9/12 Steps Toward Peace on Earth

Yesterday marked ten years since the 9/11 attack on the United States. I remember I was sitting on the couch with my sweet baby girl (she was about 11 weeks old) watching Matt Lauer interview someone (could you imagine if that was you he was interviewing?) when he stopped to let us know about the first plane. We all know how the rest of that day went. I couldn't wait for my husband to get home from work so we could all be together. As long as we were together it was all going to be alright. I think we even took the dog with us to the local pub to watch what was happening while surrounded by our neighbors. Sharing in this terrible moment in history made me feel a little bit better, a little bit safer.

And then there was September 12. The next day. A new day. We knew a little bit about what had happened but the uncertainty was still there. Things were different...for all Americans. I remember looking at people and feeling connected to them because we shared this day. We were all part of a club--a club that no one wants to join but definitely unites and bonds us together. I looked at people and wondered if they knew someone who perished that day. Maybe they were married to a firefighter. Did they have family far away that they wouldn't see for a long time because they were going to be too afraid to fly in a plane? Were they a Middle Eastern American who would feel discriminated against or judged from now on? Did they look at me and wonder if I doubted my decision to bring a baby in to such a scary world?

Today is September 12. Resemblances of ten years ago linger for me today. We won't ever be the same. But if we can look at strangers on the street and consider their suffering, their fears, their love, their hopes, and their humanity then that is a step toward making this world a better place.

I'm starting with myself. I pledge to be gentle with myself. I know that I am a good person and that most days I do my best at all I endeavor to achieve--the important stuff, anyway. I'm looking at my family and remembering that although we're part of the same family unit we are individuals, each with different challenges and aspirations. My community will be a little bit stronger when I remember that although my neighbor's life looks a lot like mine, I've never walked in their shoes. By embracing each American's right to their own opinions, lifestyles, and choices I am making this great country just a bit more harmonious. And acknowledging that we were all put here on this planet for a reason, and that we all have the potential to fuel our lives with love rather than hate...that will bring a little bit more peace on Earth.

Imagine if we ALL did that?

The First Day of the Rest of my Life

It's the first day of school. I have been home with my 3 kids for 81 days (minus 2 for a quick trip to my high school reunion). If I think of my energy sources, my patience, my joie de vivre as a fountain, my flow is down to a slow trickle. Now, I am I happy to say that I'm better off than I have been in years past, where my fountain was bone dry on the first day of school. Moms can relate--maybe anyone can relate to the fact that even something (or someone) that you love so much can just zap the life out of you if you don't have a little variety from time to time. Yes, Mamas, we should take care of ourselves. So we have more to give our families, so we don't lose touch with the women we were before we had kids. La la la...it's so cliche now. When it comes down to it, caring for our children is in a sense caring for ourselves. It is a calling I've had deep in my soul my entire life and maybe I didn't exercise regularly this summer, maybe I didn't read a single book, maybe I proclaimed "it's 5:00 somewhere!" too many times, but I am living the life I've always dreamed of--the life of a Mom.

Another cliche that is boring me to tears is the idea that we can attain balance as women. I now think of balance as I think of happiness. You don't 'get to' happiness...it's a flow, it's how you are as you travel life's ups and downs, it's an awareness that this moment is good. Life is ever changing so I don't see how the typical definition of balance can be attained. Can we really have equal distribution of time/attention going to work, and play, and family, and friends, and self, and God, and the grocery store? Just for kicks I looked up the definition of balance and found a new way that I am going to think of balance: mental steadiness or emotional stability. We may be thrown a huge project at work that forces us to work longer hours, or our child may get strep throat which keeps us tending to them rather than performing our household duties--our time may not be balanced but if through all of this we remain steady and calm--and happy--well, that spells success to me.

So how did my fountain get so depleted? Traveling with the family, a very lose schedule, staying up late every night, not checking in with myself to connect with my gratitude...I have many lessons for myself. For now I am going to work on filling up my fountain again. Today I'll add a bucket, tomorrow it might just be a few drops, but eventually, with focus and persistence, it will be flowing again. But this is my life...made up of many, many days, each offering me a chance to reflect and grow. As a whole I look at my life and I am grateful and I call it a happy life. My task is to live that each moment of each day, because every day is the first day of the rest of our lives.

What's Clear and Simple Isn't Always So Easy

I've had so much thought and revelation storming at me lately and I think I finally know why (thanks to a fantastic new yoga teacher I enjoyed this morning). Tomorrow is the new moon in September. Also the New Year in the Jewish calendar. Who knew I was so aligned to the lunar calendar?! Every year around this time I am drawn to the Earth, full of inward contemplation, and ready to let go of what doesn't serve me, leaving space for simple abundance.

Let me go back to where this all began--this just-completed Labor Day weekend. With the kids back in school for about 4 weeks now, we're in the full-swing of activities, school work, play dates, and volunteering. This is the soup that I thrive in! Three kids between the ages of 9 and 6--we are a full-motion family. But even on a long weekend, with a break from the regular demands of our day-to-day lives, how is it I still felt stressed and overloaded? My hardworking husband in the backyard cleaning up dry summer debris, my kids lounging around the house resting their little brains and bodies from the constant motion of the grammar school years, I sat in my office filing, responding to old (and late!) emails, pulling paperwork for a refinance, starting new school files for each child, scanning pictures for a family wedding, and paying the bills. Piles of "stuff to put away" met me as I walked out my office door, as I walked down the stairs, and as I poured a tea at the kitchen counter. There was a stack of magazines of the coffee table looking at me with puppy dog eyes, begging "Read me! Sit down...relax. Even close your eyes for a moment. Breathe. Make your mind still."

I know that all these mini-projects would still be here after the long weekend. But are there other moms out there who feel like you're always one step behind? Like if you don't tackle it now, it's going to snowball out of control. And what happens then? You disappoint someone? You miss out on an opportunity? You have to hire a babysitter so you can meet a deadline? What happens if we just say..."this will have to wait"?

Meals are another thing. As mom (and I'm sure some dads take this role on, or some combination of mom and dad--but I'm going to venture to guess it's mom in most cases), I am always thinking about food. No wonder I struggle with my weight! I've got three-to-five people to feed three meals a day to every day of the entire year. It is important to me that they are healthy, balanced, and local and/or organic when at all possible. Planning these meals. Shopping for these meals. Prepping these meals. Cooking and serving these meals. And then managing my own temper when one-to-three members of the family decide they don't like it and won't eat it. So what if they don't? They'll go to bed hungry and try again tomorrow. So what if we order out tonight for the second time this week? So what if we have sandwiches for dinner (which we NEVER do--it would make things so much easier if we did this once in a while!)?

I envision myself floating around my home, my kids teenagers, bright sunshine flooding in the windows, and being serene and peaceful, and cute. And happy. Sometimes I feel like I'm racing to get stuff done so I can somehow magically find myself at this place. The delusion I'm under, however, is that when I'm there--some 8 years from now--I'm still going to have bills to pay, meals to prepare, school projects to help with, and personal goals I'm going to be working on. I guess I envision myself being more organized, and caring less about these "what if's."

After my husband was done cleaning up the yard, he threw a baseball in the backyard with the kids then he sat down at the picnic table and they all played cards. I was still wrapped up in putting a dent in my dreaded to-do list so I could have some fun too. I paused for a moment and thought about the last time I had my kids so engaged. I'm embarrassed to say that I couldn't remember. But I'm the one that gets them off the bus and hears about their day. I get them snacks and look over their school work. I help them with their spelling words and quiz them on their facts. I break up the fights and have the conversations about respect and choices and consequences. I drop them off at piano and baseball and drama. I wonder though--how often am I really there for any of that? I'm going through the motions, getting us through one more day. All the while holding on to that vision of myself laughing with my kids as I relax on a stool next to them in my beautifully renovated kitchen.

I'm fooling myself to think I'm going to magically appear in that spot 8 years from now. All the busy work I do now is never going to get me there. It's the hard work I have to do that is going to pull me out of the pile of to-do lists and in to this place of grace. The hard work I'm talking about is stopping. I need to stop--pause--and look around me. I need to take a moment to snatch my child on my lap and give her my full attention when she's telling me a long story that's going nowhere. I need to take a few moments several times in my day to envision myself as that carefree woman. I need to be okay with putting everything else that has to be done aside so I can enjoy my kids today.

The sad part is, I know if (God forbid) one of my kids got sick or my husband was being shipped off to Afghanistan in a month I would make this happen. I would drop everything, deeming it simply unimportant, and give my full focus to my family. I would say no and have no qualms about it. I would become less of a task master and more of a mother. Ouch.

There is no reason we should require harsh wake-up calls to readjust our priorities. I have three beautiful, healthy kids and they are mine to enjoy and nurture and love. I have an incredible husband who deserves the best parts of me, not just what's left over at the end of a frazzled day. I owe it to them and to myself to put US FIRST. I may disappoint some, I may miss out on something--but the price to pay isn't worth it.

Am I alone out there? Am I the only mom who feels like this? I feel like realizing this is step one for me, but changing my ways is going to be hard. What do they say--nothing worth doing is easy? How do I approach this in a positive way that doesn't make it feel like one more thing on the top of my to-do list? Who am I going to chose to disappoint first? ... If I know I'm doing the very best I can do and my family is my number one priority, then I have to be okay with that. The alternative just isn't acceptable to me anymore.

peace, love, and turkey sandwiches...

Riding to the next phase

After sitting at my desk for almost five hours earlier today working on my Environmental Education Committee tasks and Girl Scout projects, I decided I needed to get outside and move. I embarked downstairs to find my husband folding laundry (his favorite weekend pastime), two of the kids in front of different screens, and the youngest off at a friend's house. I declared that it was time to turn off the machinery and go for a hike! "We'll go hunting for baby frogs in the pond. We'll hike down to the old paper mills and explore the ruins. We'll splash in the creek and keep our eye out for snakes." No bites. I picked up the youngest child and got the same adamant refusal to participate in my plan to get out of the house and in to nature. After a bit of pouting I threw my bike in the car and left the rest of my family to a game of UNO and I headed to the river.

The Chattahoochee River is a few miles from my house and along it are miles of wonderful walking and biking trails. After learning from a serious biking friend that you can follow the roads for miles after the trail ends and it's still bike-friendly, I decided to venture to new places on this 90 degree Sunday afternoon. I just love being near the water and in the woods.

When I go kayaking on the river I go out each time with the intention of noticing something I have not noticed before. I've been successful each and every time. (It pains me that I haven't been out on my kayak in a while but I've sprung some sort of a leak that I need to take to the pros. It might be time for a new boat, I'm thinking.) Before too long I realized that I could make this an objective of a bike ride as well, especially when exploring new territory.

The trails along the river offer amazing shade on these North Georgia afternoons. On my mountain bike, being passed by all the street riders, I was loving the sound of the river along side the road. Sometimes out on my kayak I wondered what streets I could see beyond the trees. Even more so I wondered about the houses that lined the banks of the Chattahoochee. How dreamy would it be to be able to walk out on my back deck and see the water rushing over the rocks, catch a crane perched on a little island, and witness that mamma duck taking her chicks out for the first time in the spring.

As I was daydreaming about this I noticed some movement in the woods. I was taken aback for a moment and slowed down to see what it was. Assuming it was maybe a deer, I was surprised to see two donkeys frolicking amongst the trees. Donkeys? I noticed the dead end sign ahead and the dirt road that turned to the right, which of course, I now had to follow. I had stumbled upon Rotten Wood Farm, a run-down looking piece of property with signs posting "Don't Feed the Animals." Besides the two playful donkeys, the only other animal I saw was a baby goat, but it was a neat little find--one I'll surely visit as a biker-by again. After passing the farm I continued down this dirt and gravel road that was lined with beautiful riverfront homes. It was so quiet and peaceful. This was Old Riverside Street and it is now my new favorite street in metro Atlanta. About every 3rd house was old and in need of repair, but the riverfront property made them gems. The houses that had been renovated, or build new on the property, varied in style but all were oozing with charm and had incredible porches or lawns or glass rooms that took full advantage of the beautiful piece of nature they were perched upon.

After soaking this all in and imagining how wonderful it would be to live in one of these houses on this campy little gravel road, I headed back toward the trails that would lead me to my car. I explored the woods and got caught on a very narrow trail that was impassable at one point due to a fallen tree. Turning around, I explored more bike-friendly trails, got good and mud-splashed and made it back to my car.

When my kids were littler I used to look forward to the day when I could take them camping, mountain biking, and rafting. Well, I'm there. It's going to take some cajoling but once there's a hint of fall in the air, we're hittin' the road. I'll start them off slow but it is extremely important to me to expose my family to nature and all the beauty and fun we have at our disposal as soon as we walk outside. The PTA and the Girl Scouts and all the other activities are important, but I also have had a vision and a dream for my family that needs to be tended to. So next on my to-do list is to pick a weekend this fall to pack it up and head to the mountains for a good old fashioned family camping trip. I'll teach all of them how to open your eyes, ears, and hearts to find something new in each hike, ride, and paddle. Those things are priceless and they're no where close to what you can see on a screen.

peace, love, and the great outdoors...