I am not perfect. And to me it's so much easier to like myself because I'm not. What is perfect? It's to be without flaws, and none of us are flawless. So perfection is just an illusion. Perfection is something we create in our minds based on what we think others would like or expect. And what we would like or expect of ourselves is what we would seek in others, right? The fact of the matter is we all have cracks in our veneer, and I'm back on the path to embracing mine.

You know those book cases you buy that have the hard shell on the outside but inside it's just particle board? Little by little, with each move and bump and spill that shell cracks or peels and the material underneath begins to swell and warp. This book shelf is considered somewhat disposable. Sure, occasionally we are able to use that college book case decades after you graduated. Sometimes it holds up to the wear and tear. It still doesn't have much character though.

I want to be sure the essence of what I'm made of is pure. Solid, strong, quality stuff. We all have an outer layer that we show the world around us. We see someone in line at the grocery store and we can tell a story in our heads as to who they are...what those superficial elements of their life may be...tennis player, busy mom, landscaper, high school basketball player. But those veneers can't really express what we're made of. Our core, the deep and complex substance that makes us each individuals, beautifully unique, cannot be seen from the outer layer we move through life in.

My vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, they make me who I am. But for every soft spot I have that might make me lose it all together I've got 3 hard-as-nails strengths that will prevent that from happening. My weaknesses show me the areas where I can grow. That's the stuff I'm working on. That is the work of life. The cracks in my veneer? I celebrate them. They're the spots where my true self peeks through, the real me that I'm not afraid to show the world. I'd rather spend my energy working on the core stuff then to expend it all trying to maintain a glossy finish. If we spend too much time doing that then before we know it, we're just candy coated particle board.

Don't get me wrong, I like living in a world where there is so much that is pleasing to my eye. I love costume jewelry and Banana Republic pants (because they're the only ones that make my butt look good) and I adore my hair stylist who knows that I like to keep it funky (anything that doesn't look too suburban mom-ish). I could say I go to the gym just for the cardiovascular benefits. And I like to sit at the coffee shop and watch the people come in and out, pretending I know what their life might be like. That's really just my creative imagination. I'm probably making up stories for them that solve the deeper questions I ask about myself. I fix my own flaws in the stories I create about other people. We all do it. We're human. But deep down we all are made of richer, more gorgeous stuff than can ever be seen by the eye. And I like to think the little scratches on my surface, my imperfections--they sometimes show through, right along with the surface dings and love handles. And maybe they make someone else feel okay with the same thing in themselves. Maybe I can help someone relax enough to see that it's those things that make us beautiful.

That's what I'm working on.

peace, love, and antique furniture...

Be gentle today

Do you feel like big things are happening? I sense we're in the swirl of a large shift as exhibited by an intensity in natural occurances, emotions, and interactions. I was awake at 1:00am listening to frequent rumbling thunder that lasted 10 seconds or more. Then again at 5:30 I woke to the same storm, still right over my head it seemed. I don't recall such a persistent storm in my adult life. The earthquake and tsunami in Japan is still reeling in everyone's mind. Myanmar was then struck by an earthquake. The Super Moon on the Spring Equinox. Closer to home emotions seem to be running higher. Sensitivity is at it's pique. I sense a general feeling of unsettledness. My advice--be gentle. Take it easy. Take a breath. Exercise, drinking plenty of water, and eating healthy will help cleanse and balance our bodies. Plenty of sleep and quiet time will calm our minds. Keep it simple. We can't solve the problems of the world and we can't change the challenges in our own lives unless we come from a central place of calm and love. Soften around the things that make you aggitated. A shift is just that, a change from one direction to another. Like all change, you can fight it or you can go with it. Change is inevitable, and if you focus on the positive that is what will appear on the other side of this shift. So take today for what it is. "What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow. Our life is the creation of our mind." (Buddha)

Stalled between Winter and Spring

Little bulbs are popping up and blooming right next to where I step out of my car. I don't remember planting them last fall. In fact, I thought I planted bulbs the year before but they never bloomed. At any rate, each time I arrive home I open my door and am greeted by these gorgeous orange and yellow faces staring at me saying "spring is here!" With the windows open I can hear the chatter of the various birds greeting each other after a long winter away. It sounds so different than the cool silence of the past season. My vine is green again and it's little purple flowers are beckoning all the bees to our back deck. The chimes are blowing in the breeze.

I love the dependability of spring. Change is constant in our environment and I find comfort in the predictability of the change of seasons. We always know what is coming next. Some years are rainier than others, some years bring devastating acts of nature, some years are scorchers. But we know that after winter comes spring which always heats up to summer, then followed by the crisp reprieve of fall and back to the chill of winter again. Change is constant. And it's not only constant in our environment--it is constant within each of us.

I want to grow and evolve as a person. I want to make a positive impact and learn from the challenges I'm faced with. Why can't I see and appreciate the things that have gone dormant in myself? Why can't I see the gift of this awareness being like the tiny bud that can grow in to something beautiful? But WHAT and WHEN?! I can't know that! I can't see what is coming up around the corner--what that change is going to be and how it is going to affect me.

I have to have faith.

Faith .. Strength .. Endurance .. Patience .. Presence .

I'm finding it hard to find the joy in the monotonous routine of my life. I can think of a million things that fill me with joy--I am abundantly blessed. But I'm eager to know--what's next? It's as if nothing is new, but everything is new...all at the same time. Is that where the saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same" comes from? I have to know that each moment and each experience is a gift. We don't go to sleep on a snowy night and wake up to the world in full bloom. There is a process...a constantly working system unfolding deep in the places we don't see with the human eye. And it's happening to me now too. My frustration, fatigue, my searching...it's all a part of my process. I may not see and opening of petals or a juicy tomato at the end. There is no end...

The process is the journey, and the journey is the purpose.

"Ah-ha!" moments are nice though. I think I could use an ah-ha moment. In the meantime, I'm going to change things up in my environment a bit to go along with the changes going on internally. Bath before dinner, music during homework, fresh orange in my margarita!! Maybe just a few little shifts will help me find the joy in even the most tedious of tasks. After all, I wouldn't appreciate the spring so much if I didn't endure the winter. And I'll remember do what Ralph Waldo Emerson said to do--"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."

peace, love, and spring showers...

What a week can do

I'm happy, it's true. I think when my kids were younger, like babies, was the last time I wasn't happy. And of course, it's not that I didn't love them or wasn't appreciative of the life I have. I just wasn't happy. What used to be so physically demanding with 3 kids born within 3 years of each other is now mentally fatiguing. Besides keeping up with the schedules, commitments, homework, projects, and to-do lists, it's the conversations I'm having with my kids as well. I always wanted to be the mom who snuggles with their kids and talks through their problems with them. But these things require thinking and delicate wording. And I think about them when they're not with me and wonder how they're handling a challenging relationship or if they're practicing good self-control. I want to check in with them and see how thing are going--I want to stay on top of the things that are important to them in their lives. In many ways, I'm forced to be more in the moment than ever before.

I used to have the calendar for at least the next week programmed in my brain. I started packing for a trip a week before we left. I had our summer schedule sketched out to be sure we wouldn't miss registration for summer camp. These days it's so much more day-by-day. With babies it's day-by-day too, but I got through it by planning for the fun stuff ahead. Now I'm running out for road snacks the night before a trip for which I have no detailed itinerary. And I realize that all of that is just fine! But it's new...it's a new normal for me, and it takes some getting used to.

If I were to compare it to a corporate job, it's like I've been reassigned to a new team. Still working for the same great organization, still drinking the same Kool-aid, I just need to learn a new set of standard practices. And in doing so, I need to stay grounded and not let the days and weeks escape me in the flurry of activity.

I've gotten back in to my yoga practice which has been so helpful to me. You know, I started to panic a little when I saw Susie Orman telling me on the TV that I'll never have enough money to retire or send my kids to college. And reading in one of my magazines that unless I commit to 30 minutes of vigorous cardio exercise at least 5 days a week I can plan on gaining at least 5 pounds every year from here on out. AAAHHHH!! What are we doing this all for?!

Then this divine yoga instructor tells me to work on pulling my rib cage in. That's it. So that's what I've been doing. I've been mindful of my rib cage--and it feels so wonderful! I can do something! I can do something for me, right now, that feels good and will make my life better moving forward. Each day as I motor through all the commitments that I have made (for myself and for each of the rest of my family for whom I make commitments), I must do something for me. I must quiet my mind and reflect on where I am in this journey. I must listen to my children with all my heart. I must make choices that leave the most of me accessible to my little tribe. And I must be willing to let some things go. I feel like for many weeks I just haven't been aware of the state I was in. Now that I know better, I'm going to do better. Just knowing that makes me feel so empowered.

Incomplete post from about a week ago...

My last blog post was December 27, and it was the 4th part of what was supposed to be a 5 part series. This seems somewhat indicative of how my life has been going, now that we're in to March already (can you believe it?!). I have been just as busy as a bee. After spending the fall running around with 3 kids in different activities, a new role as Environmental Education Chair with the PTA, new teachers, my sister's wedding, a couple weekend getaways, and a kitchen renovation, I began 2011 with a craving for "home time." I missed cooking for my family and the energy that swirls around in what was known as the witching hour when the kids were toddlers. Now it's homework and stories of the day's events, battling to keep the technology off and the family connecting. I've been reading the same novel since September. I still am not meditating or journaling. My mom is ready to disown me because I don't stay in touch. But I'm happy! My life is so full. I love this pace of life (well, I wish it were a tad slower to be honest) and I signed up for this chaos when I had 3 children.

As a home composter, recycler, and general nature lover, this PTA position just seemed like a natural fit. I think it's really important for me to get involved in my kids school (they're all 3 at the same school right now)--the parental involvement is a big part of what makes it such a fabulous school. But what started off as a relatively low commitment role, I have morphed in to a bigger endeavor. I started an environmental club with 4th and 5th graders and am getting them involved in some really cool projects and field trips. I really just started this because I wanted to go tree climbing (which we'll be doing in April). And then I have 2 girls in Girl Scouts. I'm not troop leader or anything (bless those women!) but I've got to do my part to help out. Add on all the school projects and parties, and the lacrosse, ice skating, music, and swimming...

What's missing here is ME. Like I said, I'm really happy and I'm really enjoying all these undertakings because they all speak to my passions. My life is overflowing with wonderfully rewarding avocations. But something is missing. There's a connection that has been dropped, a curtain that has been drawn. It wasn't until I went back to one of my favorite yoga studios and practiced with enchanting instructor that I saw it. And I felt it.

Touch

Touch is a fun sense. Well, they're all fun, aren't they? Like sound, taste, and smell that I've written about already, touch can trigger emotions and internal change. I guess that's why God gave us these wonderful senses. So we could interact with the physical world around us and have experiences that change us spiritually. Everything we come in contact with has the ability to move us closer to the Divine.
As infants we need to be held and swaddled. It develops the feeling of safety and protection needed to thrive. The deep connection between a baby and his parents is undoubtedly linked to the physical contact shared in those early years. A mother's hug is a magical healer and a father's embrace brings simple security. Expressing love in a physical way is so important when raising young children, although each individual child may seek that in a different way. My oldest daughter loves a hug--as often and as long as I can give her. My youngest daughter is a cuddler--she wants to climb up on my lap and crawl all over me. My son is more subdued--he's a hand-holder and likes to press his cheek to mine.
There are times when we just crave the touch of someone we love. That first embrace after being apart for a while is like sunshine. There is obviously a very sensuous aspect to touch as well. The right touch at the right time can raise your body temperature and send off sparks in all sorts of nerve endings. Awesome!
The sense of touch is what you use when you "feel" something--interesting that feeling and touching mean the same thing because our feelings--our emotions--can be so effected by our sense of touch. It's the most intimate of the five senses. Having another human touch your human body gives our spiritual selves a connection to another spiritual being here on Earth.
Petting a cat lowers blood pressure. Getting a massage releases toxins from the body. A tight hug calms a frantic child. A tickle results in uncontrollable laughter. A high-five bonds two people in celebration.
Think about what you communicate to someone when using your sense of touch. A firm handshake, a hand on an arm during a difficult conversation, a brush of the cheek when saying goodnight. Your touch can make another person feel comforted, special, loved, and heard. And we need to be receptive to other people doing this for us as well. It's so easy to breeze by one another in our harried lives and not make those connections. Let's strive in the New Year to slow down and hold hands more often, pat more shoulders, slow dance in the kitchen, and thumb wrestle with your favorite little person.

peace, love, and HUGS...

Smell

I got a facial a few days ago and for an hour I relished in the decadence of lavender then coconut milk then rose water then honey being gently brushed, tapped, and spritzed on my face. Each separate balm or crème or tonic immediately clicked something in my brain. I inhaled the aroma and I physiologically changed. The power of scent is very strong. It actually is the sense most directly linked to the brain (and the emotional part of the brain at that), causing more immediate reactions than any of the other senses. Memories are attached to smells, good and bad. Sometimes we have aversions to certain smells—my husband can’t stand the smell of seafood, my mother is very sensitive to musky odors. On the other hand, I asked some readers what smells they loved: cloves, clean kids, a freshly mown lawn. Scents can stir up emotions and transport us to a different time or place. Who doesn’t smell coconut and think of the beach or pine and have visions of the Christmas tree.

Scents can also be used to balance our bodies. I am fascinated with aromatherapy and hope to incorporate it in my Feng Shui practice. I love essential oils and use them to treat different conditions such as sinus congestion, anxiety, and skin irritation. Every person’s body chemistry calls for a unique blend of smells to balance, calm, or invigorate. I look forward to studying this art and science (most likely this will appear on my Goals for 2011).

Like many things in life, we should just do what we like! Surround yourself with what makes you feel good. I burn candles all the time—sometimes it’s spicy herbal scents and sometimes its sweet vanilla, or cleansing citrus. Aim to open your windows for half an hour each day if that fresh air makes a difference in your home. Keep a sleeve of cookie dough in your fridge for impromptu baking if that nostalgic smell lifts your spirits. Have a sample size of your favorite perfume or a bottle of your go-to oil blend on hand for those times when you are overwhelmed by an unpleasing smell in your environment.

Looking forward to the New Year and considering the change and personal development we intend to work on, I thought I’d throw out the idea of using the sense of smell to aid in our success. Let’s say getting more active is a goal for 2011. Sore and achy muscles might be a hindrance to success. Try soaking in a chamomile or ginger bath. If you are aiming to live 2011 with your glass half full, try the uplifting scents of rose or bergamot. When working to learn new skills or manage your money more responsibly, rosemary can help with clear thinking and focus.

I must admit, as I write this entry my sinuses are clogged and the only smell that is squeaking through my swollen nasal passages is that of fresh stain on my new kitchen cabinets. It’s funny how the sense of smell has played such a big role in my life the past week. I’m going to go find my eucalyptus oil and set the intention to use this magnificent tool, my sense of smell, to support the work I do in 2011. More to come in this department, for sure.

peace, love, and smellin’ the roses…