Be gentle today

Do you feel like big things are happening? I sense we're in the swirl of a large shift as exhibited by an intensity in natural occurances, emotions, and interactions. I was awake at 1:00am listening to frequent rumbling thunder that lasted 10 seconds or more. Then again at 5:30 I woke to the same storm, still right over my head it seemed. I don't recall such a persistent storm in my adult life. The earthquake and tsunami in Japan is still reeling in everyone's mind. Myanmar was then struck by an earthquake. The Super Moon on the Spring Equinox. Closer to home emotions seem to be running higher. Sensitivity is at it's pique. I sense a general feeling of unsettledness. My advice--be gentle. Take it easy. Take a breath. Exercise, drinking plenty of water, and eating healthy will help cleanse and balance our bodies. Plenty of sleep and quiet time will calm our minds. Keep it simple. We can't solve the problems of the world and we can't change the challenges in our own lives unless we come from a central place of calm and love. Soften around the things that make you aggitated. A shift is just that, a change from one direction to another. Like all change, you can fight it or you can go with it. Change is inevitable, and if you focus on the positive that is what will appear on the other side of this shift. So take today for what it is. "What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow. Our life is the creation of our mind." (Buddha)

Stalled between Winter and Spring

Little bulbs are popping up and blooming right next to where I step out of my car. I don't remember planting them last fall. In fact, I thought I planted bulbs the year before but they never bloomed. At any rate, each time I arrive home I open my door and am greeted by these gorgeous orange and yellow faces staring at me saying "spring is here!" With the windows open I can hear the chatter of the various birds greeting each other after a long winter away. It sounds so different than the cool silence of the past season. My vine is green again and it's little purple flowers are beckoning all the bees to our back deck. The chimes are blowing in the breeze.

I love the dependability of spring. Change is constant in our environment and I find comfort in the predictability of the change of seasons. We always know what is coming next. Some years are rainier than others, some years bring devastating acts of nature, some years are scorchers. But we know that after winter comes spring which always heats up to summer, then followed by the crisp reprieve of fall and back to the chill of winter again. Change is constant. And it's not only constant in our environment--it is constant within each of us.

I want to grow and evolve as a person. I want to make a positive impact and learn from the challenges I'm faced with. Why can't I see and appreciate the things that have gone dormant in myself? Why can't I see the gift of this awareness being like the tiny bud that can grow in to something beautiful? But WHAT and WHEN?! I can't know that! I can't see what is coming up around the corner--what that change is going to be and how it is going to affect me.

I have to have faith.

Faith .. Strength .. Endurance .. Patience .. Presence .

I'm finding it hard to find the joy in the monotonous routine of my life. I can think of a million things that fill me with joy--I am abundantly blessed. But I'm eager to know--what's next? It's as if nothing is new, but everything is new...all at the same time. Is that where the saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same" comes from? I have to know that each moment and each experience is a gift. We don't go to sleep on a snowy night and wake up to the world in full bloom. There is a process...a constantly working system unfolding deep in the places we don't see with the human eye. And it's happening to me now too. My frustration, fatigue, my searching...it's all a part of my process. I may not see and opening of petals or a juicy tomato at the end. There is no end...

The process is the journey, and the journey is the purpose.

"Ah-ha!" moments are nice though. I think I could use an ah-ha moment. In the meantime, I'm going to change things up in my environment a bit to go along with the changes going on internally. Bath before dinner, music during homework, fresh orange in my margarita!! Maybe just a few little shifts will help me find the joy in even the most tedious of tasks. After all, I wouldn't appreciate the spring so much if I didn't endure the winter. And I'll remember do what Ralph Waldo Emerson said to do--"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."

peace, love, and spring showers...

What a week can do

I'm happy, it's true. I think when my kids were younger, like babies, was the last time I wasn't happy. And of course, it's not that I didn't love them or wasn't appreciative of the life I have. I just wasn't happy. What used to be so physically demanding with 3 kids born within 3 years of each other is now mentally fatiguing. Besides keeping up with the schedules, commitments, homework, projects, and to-do lists, it's the conversations I'm having with my kids as well. I always wanted to be the mom who snuggles with their kids and talks through their problems with them. But these things require thinking and delicate wording. And I think about them when they're not with me and wonder how they're handling a challenging relationship or if they're practicing good self-control. I want to check in with them and see how thing are going--I want to stay on top of the things that are important to them in their lives. In many ways, I'm forced to be more in the moment than ever before.

I used to have the calendar for at least the next week programmed in my brain. I started packing for a trip a week before we left. I had our summer schedule sketched out to be sure we wouldn't miss registration for summer camp. These days it's so much more day-by-day. With babies it's day-by-day too, but I got through it by planning for the fun stuff ahead. Now I'm running out for road snacks the night before a trip for which I have no detailed itinerary. And I realize that all of that is just fine! But it's new...it's a new normal for me, and it takes some getting used to.

If I were to compare it to a corporate job, it's like I've been reassigned to a new team. Still working for the same great organization, still drinking the same Kool-aid, I just need to learn a new set of standard practices. And in doing so, I need to stay grounded and not let the days and weeks escape me in the flurry of activity.

I've gotten back in to my yoga practice which has been so helpful to me. You know, I started to panic a little when I saw Susie Orman telling me on the TV that I'll never have enough money to retire or send my kids to college. And reading in one of my magazines that unless I commit to 30 minutes of vigorous cardio exercise at least 5 days a week I can plan on gaining at least 5 pounds every year from here on out. AAAHHHH!! What are we doing this all for?!

Then this divine yoga instructor tells me to work on pulling my rib cage in. That's it. So that's what I've been doing. I've been mindful of my rib cage--and it feels so wonderful! I can do something! I can do something for me, right now, that feels good and will make my life better moving forward. Each day as I motor through all the commitments that I have made (for myself and for each of the rest of my family for whom I make commitments), I must do something for me. I must quiet my mind and reflect on where I am in this journey. I must listen to my children with all my heart. I must make choices that leave the most of me accessible to my little tribe. And I must be willing to let some things go. I feel like for many weeks I just haven't been aware of the state I was in. Now that I know better, I'm going to do better. Just knowing that makes me feel so empowered.

Incomplete post from about a week ago...

My last blog post was December 27, and it was the 4th part of what was supposed to be a 5 part series. This seems somewhat indicative of how my life has been going, now that we're in to March already (can you believe it?!). I have been just as busy as a bee. After spending the fall running around with 3 kids in different activities, a new role as Environmental Education Chair with the PTA, new teachers, my sister's wedding, a couple weekend getaways, and a kitchen renovation, I began 2011 with a craving for "home time." I missed cooking for my family and the energy that swirls around in what was known as the witching hour when the kids were toddlers. Now it's homework and stories of the day's events, battling to keep the technology off and the family connecting. I've been reading the same novel since September. I still am not meditating or journaling. My mom is ready to disown me because I don't stay in touch. But I'm happy! My life is so full. I love this pace of life (well, I wish it were a tad slower to be honest) and I signed up for this chaos when I had 3 children.

As a home composter, recycler, and general nature lover, this PTA position just seemed like a natural fit. I think it's really important for me to get involved in my kids school (they're all 3 at the same school right now)--the parental involvement is a big part of what makes it such a fabulous school. But what started off as a relatively low commitment role, I have morphed in to a bigger endeavor. I started an environmental club with 4th and 5th graders and am getting them involved in some really cool projects and field trips. I really just started this because I wanted to go tree climbing (which we'll be doing in April). And then I have 2 girls in Girl Scouts. I'm not troop leader or anything (bless those women!) but I've got to do my part to help out. Add on all the school projects and parties, and the lacrosse, ice skating, music, and swimming...

What's missing here is ME. Like I said, I'm really happy and I'm really enjoying all these undertakings because they all speak to my passions. My life is overflowing with wonderfully rewarding avocations. But something is missing. There's a connection that has been dropped, a curtain that has been drawn. It wasn't until I went back to one of my favorite yoga studios and practiced with enchanting instructor that I saw it. And I felt it.