Riding to the next phase

After sitting at my desk for almost five hours earlier today working on my Environmental Education Committee tasks and Girl Scout projects, I decided I needed to get outside and move. I embarked downstairs to find my husband folding laundry (his favorite weekend pastime), two of the kids in front of different screens, and the youngest off at a friend's house. I declared that it was time to turn off the machinery and go for a hike! "We'll go hunting for baby frogs in the pond. We'll hike down to the old paper mills and explore the ruins. We'll splash in the creek and keep our eye out for snakes." No bites. I picked up the youngest child and got the same adamant refusal to participate in my plan to get out of the house and in to nature. After a bit of pouting I threw my bike in the car and left the rest of my family to a game of UNO and I headed to the river.

The Chattahoochee River is a few miles from my house and along it are miles of wonderful walking and biking trails. After learning from a serious biking friend that you can follow the roads for miles after the trail ends and it's still bike-friendly, I decided to venture to new places on this 90 degree Sunday afternoon. I just love being near the water and in the woods.

When I go kayaking on the river I go out each time with the intention of noticing something I have not noticed before. I've been successful each and every time. (It pains me that I haven't been out on my kayak in a while but I've sprung some sort of a leak that I need to take to the pros. It might be time for a new boat, I'm thinking.) Before too long I realized that I could make this an objective of a bike ride as well, especially when exploring new territory.

The trails along the river offer amazing shade on these North Georgia afternoons. On my mountain bike, being passed by all the street riders, I was loving the sound of the river along side the road. Sometimes out on my kayak I wondered what streets I could see beyond the trees. Even more so I wondered about the houses that lined the banks of the Chattahoochee. How dreamy would it be to be able to walk out on my back deck and see the water rushing over the rocks, catch a crane perched on a little island, and witness that mamma duck taking her chicks out for the first time in the spring.

As I was daydreaming about this I noticed some movement in the woods. I was taken aback for a moment and slowed down to see what it was. Assuming it was maybe a deer, I was surprised to see two donkeys frolicking amongst the trees. Donkeys? I noticed the dead end sign ahead and the dirt road that turned to the right, which of course, I now had to follow. I had stumbled upon Rotten Wood Farm, a run-down looking piece of property with signs posting "Don't Feed the Animals." Besides the two playful donkeys, the only other animal I saw was a baby goat, but it was a neat little find--one I'll surely visit as a biker-by again. After passing the farm I continued down this dirt and gravel road that was lined with beautiful riverfront homes. It was so quiet and peaceful. This was Old Riverside Street and it is now my new favorite street in metro Atlanta. About every 3rd house was old and in need of repair, but the riverfront property made them gems. The houses that had been renovated, or build new on the property, varied in style but all were oozing with charm and had incredible porches or lawns or glass rooms that took full advantage of the beautiful piece of nature they were perched upon.

After soaking this all in and imagining how wonderful it would be to live in one of these houses on this campy little gravel road, I headed back toward the trails that would lead me to my car. I explored the woods and got caught on a very narrow trail that was impassable at one point due to a fallen tree. Turning around, I explored more bike-friendly trails, got good and mud-splashed and made it back to my car.

When my kids were littler I used to look forward to the day when I could take them camping, mountain biking, and rafting. Well, I'm there. It's going to take some cajoling but once there's a hint of fall in the air, we're hittin' the road. I'll start them off slow but it is extremely important to me to expose my family to nature and all the beauty and fun we have at our disposal as soon as we walk outside. The PTA and the Girl Scouts and all the other activities are important, but I also have had a vision and a dream for my family that needs to be tended to. So next on my to-do list is to pick a weekend this fall to pack it up and head to the mountains for a good old fashioned family camping trip. I'll teach all of them how to open your eyes, ears, and hearts to find something new in each hike, ride, and paddle. Those things are priceless and they're no where close to what you can see on a screen.

peace, love, and the great outdoors...

Self-Indulgence at its BEST

I just went to see the movie Eat, Pray, Love and my mind is swimming with ideas. The stand-out concept that is sticking out to me is "self-indulgence." This blog itself is self-indulgence for me because I get to hash out all the little conversations I have in my head, as if I'm speaking with another person. The exercise of writing has always helped me make clear the cluttered nature of my thoughts.

So I'm going to assume you've read Eat, Pray, Love because, well, everyone has. Or should. And if you haven't I'm sure you'll still follow. Liz goes to Italy and eats with free-abandon. She goes to India and wallows in her loneliness. She goes to Bali and learns that giving to herself is not a shameful thing. I heard critiques that Liz had such a good life and had so much to be grateful for--why was she so miserable? Well, she was. We can have a life full of beautiful, precious, and priceless people/things/experiences but only we know, deep down in our soul, if we have what we need to truly be happy. It is brave to walk away from everything comfortable and safe when you're on the quest for your own happiness. And happiness doesn't even seem like the right word, because we can be happy for sure in our lives, but not know that place, that inner peace, that calm that shines from within. It is in us--in all of us--and we don't need to travel the world to find it. Of course, that was the point of the book, if you chose to see it that way.

(quest quote from movie/book in Bali)

As I was sipping my coffee this morning my husband came to kiss me goodbye and asked what I was up to for the day. I hesitated, wondering if I should be nonchalant and tell I didn't know, I was going to take care of things, I was still deciding...going to the movies at 10:20 in the morning while the kids were at school sounded too self-indulgent. But I was honest and I told him, and I sensed a slight bit of "oh, must be nice." I told him to have a good day and he replied "I'll try." So the justifications start in my head: he just got back from a road trip with his brother, I've been working hard on PTA and household finance stuff, I'll make sure the laundry is put away and I cook dinner tonight. So off I go to the mall, buy my ticket, popcorn, and diet Coke (quite the indulgent breakfast!) and walk in to the theater to see, of course, 5 other women that look just like me. Moms no doubt, big purses, cell phones, diet Cokes (that's why they have a 10:20 movie on a weekday anyway, isn't it? Come on.). So I watch the movie (which was good but the book was way better, again, of course) and when it's over I walk out and turn my cell phone back on to see a text "can u talk right now?" from my husband. Oh shit. The movie on a Thursday morning was too much. I shouldn't have told him--I should have been vague. Oh well, he'll have to deal with it. Unless--oh wait--maybe someone got hurt, maybe there's so drama. What did I miss in the 2 hours and 13 minutes I was in the theater indulging in a movie?

His voice was very chipper when I called him. He was on his way to pick up a couple friends and head down to the baseball game where he would enjoy an afternoon drinking beer and eating peanuts right behind home plate for free! How INDULGENT of him on a Thursday afternoon! I didn't care--how great is it that those tickets were offered to him and the timing worked out with his job that he could take advantage of this good fortune? Hooray for him! Then I realized, he felt the same way about me when I told him I was going to a movie. I heard envy in his voice this morning but it wasn't really there. That disapproving voice came within myself, not from him. I could spend the whole day in the spa, have lunch and wine with girlfriends, and buy myself some new jewelry after going kayaking on the river and he'd be happy for me. It reminds me of the part of the story when the Italian barber is talking about Americans. He said we know about entertainment but we don't know about pleasure. We deny ourselves the right to experience pleasure, in even the most simple things! I had fresh blueberries over organic low fat vanilla yogurt yesterday and I ate it slowly and mindfully and although I was by myself in my kitchen I still let out an audible mmmmm. Food, wine, sex, music, shoes, exercise, laughter, sunlight, rain, lip gloss, scotch, linens, lotion, grass, mud, hammocks, kissing, pets, kids, art, candles, coffee, cheese, sleep. So many opportunities for pleasure throughout each and every day. We just have to stop and appreciate them! And allow ourselves to feel indulgent, and know that we are worthy of it. I'm glowing just thinking about it!!

So I guess my point is, and the resolution to all the swarming and contradicting thoughts in my head is, self-indulgence is okay, and let me even say necessary! And being grateful for what you have, truly grateful, but still searching within yourself to find that spark that ignites your soul is okay, and is necessary. This energy is contagious, and it's calming. It doesn't have to come at the expense of something else, and shame or guilt are not a part of this equation. Self-indulgence is not an evil thing. Now, I'm going to go slice some cucumber and pull some mint from my herb garden to put in a glass of ice water on this steamy Georgia afternoon. I'm going to hug my kids, help them with their homework, put away some laundry, and fix dinner. I am so grateful to recognize today how self-indulgent every day of my life is if I look at it all with gratitude.

peace, love, and dark chocolate (I can't believe I forgot dark chocolate)...

If These Walls Could Talk

I took my kids to see Toy Story 3 today and was reminded of a couple of Feng Shui principles (between laughing and crying at such a wonderful story). Even if you haven't seen the movie, pretty much everyone knows the premise, right? The toys come alive when the humans are not around. Who are we to say this doesn't ever happen anyway. I swear my glasses make the rounds of my house every day. These toys--a cowboy, a space ranger, a slinky, Mr. Potato Head--they all love the little boy to whom they belong. He drags them out in the yard, sleeps with them, takes them on errands with his mom, but most importantly, he brings them to life with his imagination.

In the third movie, this little boy is now 17 and is headed off to college. Throughout the movie I was thinking about "things" and how we treat the material objects in our lives. What if everything we owned came to life when we weren't around. What would they say? Would they be happy? Would they be as devoted to us as Woody is to Andy? With Feng Shui we are challenged to look at everything in our environments as being alive--alive with chi, with life energy. Our memories, our behaviors, our emotions are absorbed in to the matter of these objects. If years of holiday meals are shared over a dining table, that table holds the energy of those people, of those gatherings, of the bread that was broken there. If intimate parent/child talks are had on a front porch swing, that swing holds the energy of that relationship, that precious connection, those emotions. That table should remain polished, screws tightened, wood protected. The chain that holds that swing should not get rusty, the pollen should be cleaned off, the cushions fluffed.

Remember also that our environment is a reflection of what is going on within our spirits. Look around you. What do you see? Really look, and consider if this rings true for you. I'm willing to bet on some level it does. Everything you own should be precious to you. Keep in mind the role these objects have in holding you back or moving you forward. If you are divorced and are still sleeping on the same mattress, get a new one. If there's a dent in your bike helmet that reminds you of that big wreck, treat yourself to a new helmet. Does your artwork represent who you are? Does your couch make you feel comforted? Live with what you love, and love what you live with.

On the morning the boy in the movie was heading off to college, his mom walked in his room and gasped because he had taken all the posters off his walls, all his belongings either packed away or passed on. It was a shell of a room. A room that just the day before felt like her son. He slept and played and studied and grew up there, and his energy was sucked up by those four walls and everything else within them. As a mom I could totally relate to this moment. I look around me now and see my kids' books, a barbie doll, a plate made in art class, nail polish, and photographs. My kids are tucked in their beds asleep right now, but they are all around me. This house pulses with their energy all the time. If all of these items that remind me of them were in one day gone, it would take my breath away too.

In the end even Andy had a hard time letting go of the one thing that most reminded him of his childhood. Was he ready to grow up? Was he ready to move on? We need to consider if letting something go is going to open up space for something new and wonderful to enter. I sometimes pretend that material things are of no importance, but sometimes they are. I have an altar filled with simple and thoughtful gifts from precious friends and I could never get rid of these items for the sake of "spring cleaning." At least not now. Right now they reflect who I am and what is important to me.

When my grandmother passed this spring, my mom and my uncle had the daunting task of going through her belongings and determining what should be kept (and by whom) and what should be thrown away or donated. Nana is gone--these things are of no use to her anymore. But these things hold memories for the rest of us. The costume jewelry, the funky glasses, the blankets she knitted. We now look at them and smile, remembering her fondly.

So this week why don't you pick a room a day to explore. Just sit in that space for a few minutes and look at what's around you. If it came alive when you left the room, would it be happy? What kind of energy has it soaked up in the time that you've had it? Does it reflect who you are now? Does it support where your life path is taking you? Is there someone else that would benefit from it far more than you would? Just one room a day. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

peace, love, and a few of my favorite things...

Memories Can't Be Chosen

I've just concluded my 9th summer of being a Mom. This year I had 11 weeks with my 9-year old, 7-year old, and 6-year old. The time was filled with lots of travel, family, swimming, video games, birthday parties...so much fun that much of it is a blur to me now. I step back and take a deep breath, a little bit grateful that it's all over and we can get back to our routine. For my kids though, these will be some of their first memories.

I remember counting to 100 for my kindergarten teacher. I remember when my parents told me we were adding a third child to the family. I remember walking home during the blizzard of '78 and getting stuck in the snow. There are a million memories between then and now that influence me, consciously or unconsciously, on a daily basis. My experiences make me who I am.

My choices also make me who I am. The life I have lived up to this moment cannot be changed and to sit with myself, I can say I am a fortunate woman who has been given great opportunities, much love, and an abundance of blessings. The choices I make from this moment on will create the life I one day, years from now, will look back on with contemplation again. If I close my eyes and float myself forward on the number line 10 years, I can't even imagine the memories that will have been implanted in my soul. I know that I will be a richer, deeper woman.

Thinking of my children, their young lives, and these early memories that will be their first--losing a tooth in Alaska, hours of water slides and roller coasters, fireworks over the beach at Nana-the-Great's house--I am giving them experiences that will influence who they become. Will they remember that they fought about where they would sit every time they got in the car? Will they recall the dilly-dallying, the messy rooms, the broken electronics? Maybe. Maybe not. Will they remember that Mom was always yelling as we pulled out of the driveway (because no one could pick a seat), or that Dad was frustrated with them a lot (because everything should have it's place, and that's NOT on the kitchen floor)? Maybe. Maybe not.

I can't pick and chose what becomes part of the fiber of their being. The only thing that I can control is my own behavior. The choices I make not only play a role in the person I become, my choices affect the people that my children will become. When they look back at their mother, from their first memories and throughout their upbringing, what will that look like? I think it's a good exercise to go through. I can guarantee that the picture I'd like them to have is very similar to the picture I would like to see for myself.

We sometimes sacrifice little pieces of happiness in our lives in the name of something we deem more important. What we need to realize is that making the choice to give that up not only lessens our chances of living a full life, which we find justifications for all the time, it alters the experience of those around us. We are all connected. If we act from our hearts and our spirits with pure intentions for ourselves the goal of a full, happy life then we are giving our children permission to do the same for themselves. Isn't that something we all wish for our children?

I am not always guided by the light that is within me, but I want to be. I'm realizing that one of the best ways for me to teach my children to recognize and follow that light is to work to do it myself. Why we make excuses or devalue this process for ourselves I don't know. I think it's part ego and the influences of society and worldly things. It's easier to say we want this state of grace for our children, but you know what? There is enough for all of us.

I want my children to remember a laughing Mommy. I want them to have memories of physical affection and unwavering support. I want them to remember parents who were united and loving. I want them to have memories of their mother explaining that even she gets sad sometimes, but always knowing that life is good. Memories of their mom snatching them up in her arms and saying "I'm sorry for losing my temper--I could have done better." This is the role I can take in the lives that are being woven under this roof. These are the choices that I can make. Because as a dear friend recently reminded me,

Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be......

peace, love, and precious memories...

Consider This Moment

Being present makes us aware of the affect we have on the world and ways in which everything in our environment impacts us. How often do you go to bed at night and feel like you've been on auto-pilot all day? Or find yourself sitting at your desk but don't really remember the drive to work? Or look back at a vacation and find that it's all a blur? When we are truly present in a moment, that moment becomes part of the fiber of who we are. It enables us to see our true selves as we experience people and situations and notice how we think and feel about these impressions on our lives. Being present in every moment of every day is a huge task. I want to be here for all the moments in my life, but my tendency is to daydream to the future. Others I know, tend to think of the past as they continue down their path. Living in the now gives us more opportunity to experience the grace of the beautiful life we already have, right now. I am working to slow down, savor the little things that are so easily overlooked, and create a full, rich life for myself each day.

My husband recently turned 50 and on his 49th birthday he started keeping track of all the live music he witnessed in that year before this big landmark. He saw 125 performances in one year. Now, he doesn't always remember the conversation we had 2 nights ago, and I can often tell that even though he's standing right next to me, his mind is somewhere else. But when he is in front of live music being played, he is present. He devours every note and imprints every song in his mind. He knows set lists of concerts he saw 20 years ago. That is being present.

Looking back at 365 days and being able to say that, at the very least, he had 125 episodes of being fully in the moment...that is pretty impressive. His spirit is soaring when he is in the place. In the same way some spirits soar when working in a garden, or reading books to children, or practicing yoga. The challenge is to find this experience in everyday tasks. How can folding laundry lift our spirits? That's up to each of us to discover for ourselves, but I suggest starting with gratitude. Being thankful for everything that has led up to the task of folding that shirt. The cotton grown from the Earth, the many hands that turned that cotton into a shirt, the resources to have that shirt to keep you protected and warm, the water that brings it back to clean time and time again... give it a try. Over time it will be something that comes more naturally. When I was dishes, I sometimes literally tell myself "I am washing dishes," just to bring me back to the moment. It helps to keep me from saying "I can't believe I'm washing dishes AGAIN. I would rather be reading a magazine. I wish one of my kids was washing the dishes instead of me." That changes the quality of my moment. I don't want a lifetime of mediocre moments. I want a lifetime of precious moments, and that is up to me to create.

peace, love, and smelling the roses...